This week has been one of unremitting financial gloom as banks fail and stocks crash, but there's always the chance to recoup any losses at the expense of the bookies on this week's English Premiership. The Manchester clubs let us down last weekend and there's more bad news in store as United will go down in a tight struggle at Stamford Bridge. Manchester United have had a poor start to their season. Chelsea are on fire and are good bankers for a narrow home win. Manchester City should get the better of Portsmouth at Eastlands but they won't, the new signings from Brazil have yet to gel and Robinho is probably wondering what he's doing in north west England..has he got Ronaldo's number for the heated swimming pool? - 1-1 is our prediction. The north east derby sees Sunderland take on Middlesbrough and a draw looks the likely result to us...maybe a goal apiece in a scrappy, tense affair. Liverpool should be too good for a battling Stoke City, who very nearly got a point off Liverpool's neighbours Everton last Monday. Coming off two great results at home to Manchester United and away to Marseille in the Champions League , look for Liverpool to win this 3-1. Arsenal will be recovering from a tiring trip to the Ukraine in midweek, but should still have too much fire power for a struggling Bolton. 1-0 to the Arse is a familiar scoreline with maybe our man Theo Walcott on the score sheet. In the West Brom v Aston Villa Midlands derby, we're going for a draw. 1-1 in fact. Aston Villa have been good so far this season and the Baggies won at home last weekend. Honours even then. Everton's trip to the Land of Green Ginger should see them steal the points from a Hull side who won at Newcastle last week. We predict a slide of Lehmann Brothers' proportions for the Tigers from now on in. Spurs looked good in Europe, just for Juande, but in the Premiership they struggle. Wigan to come away with a point if not more. West Ham v Newcastle and Blackburn v Fulham, two north v south clashes with lots at stake. West Ham lost their sponsors as the credit crunch hit their package holiday backers XL...Newcastle are in turmoil and were once sponsored by Northern Rock. That says it all...two bankrupt teams should share the points. Fulham are improving but jaunts to the north west rarely lead to points unless they are playing at "Middle Eastlands"...we tip the Rovers to get a return on this one 1-0. Last week's Premier League predictions Bet with Bet 365 World Soccer News Soccer betting tips Soccer Books & DVDs Tags premiership soccer Betting

The English Premiership returns this weekend after an exciting week of World Cup qualifiers . The top two matches on the card this weekend are two games in the North West of England. The EPL's two richest clubs Manchester City and Chelsea meet at the "Middle Eastlands" and a draw looks like a good bet, with Brazilian Robinho making his debut for City and the home players keen to impress the new owners after the recent Sheikh-up in the boardroom. Over at Anfield, Liverpool face Manchester United in the hate-filled "Red Derby." Dimitar Berbatov makes his debut for United and Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres are back for Liverpool, but anything other than a draw, possibly scoreless, looks unlikely. In other games, we're tipping Hull to cause an upset and take a point from crisis-club Newcastle at St. James' Park and for Arsenal to end their run of bad results at Ewood Park with an away win against Blackburn, who's coach Paul Ince might be persuaded by the job vacancy in the North East. Fulham should beat a toothless Bolton at home and they'll be home wins for Portsmouth against Middlesbrough and Wigan against Roy Keane's Sunderland. West Ham should take a point at the Hawthorns against West Brom, but we tip the Baggies to sneak all three before Zola formally takes over at Upton Park. A loss at Stoke would send Everton into an early season crisis and that's just what we expect with Tottenham and Aston Villa sharing the points at White Hart Lane but with less goals than when the two teams met there last season. Bet with Bet 365 World Soccer News Soccer betting tips Soccer Books & DVDs Tags premiership soccer Betting

Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment. The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic. I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise. Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg. Steven ‘more dives than Glasgow’ Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4. As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney. A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard. Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday. Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem - he sent me a text that read, ‘gbvsdfabdsb’. Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano. Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, i’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee. I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area. Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall. The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote ‘reading difficulties’ on her school report. I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage - I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an ‘X’ at 7/2. Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler - they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful. I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys. Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it ‘The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe.’ A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4. Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville. Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags. I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; i’d better change my name to Annette. On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo - at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion. Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie. Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking. Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin. As an Aston Villa supporter, i’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank. I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous. The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final. I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys. My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accer are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Tubby Brazilian Ronaldo may be one of the greatest players to ever grace a football pitch, but he’s definitely a poor role model. The AC Milan man let himself down when he invited three members of the late-night entertainment industry back to a motel. It wasn’t just the fact that they turned out to be ladyboys; he shamefully offered to pay them for doing nothing. If I pay a builder to construct a conservatory, and he brings along a few superfluous tools, I’d expect him to keep his head down and finish the job. This sorry tale was not the only case of mistaken identity this week; Rio Ferdinand kicked a female Chelsea steward after mistaking her for a wall. It sounds like a tall story, but I once kicked the wife by accident; I thought she was her mother. This is Rio’s first high profile gaffe since that moment of madness a few years ago, when he dated Emma Bunton. I will definitely be dipping in to the 7/1 for a draw between Manchester United and West Ham. Rio wasn’t the only player involved in controversy at Stamford Bridge last week; Michael Ballack and Didier Drogba almost came to blows over a free kick; they should really have got a room with Ronaldo. I can’t get my head around the 11/2 for a Newcastle win over Chelsea. The funniest moment of the match came after the final whistle, when the Manchester United players had a Benny Hill style fight with the Chelsea groundsmen. The United boys were completely out of order; Rio Ferdinand should know by now to keep off the grass. Middlesbrough are involved in a real fight, they’ll beat Portsmouth at 11/10. Rafa Benitez’s decision to wind up Didier Drogba prior to their Champion’s League semi will rightfully be filed alongside Ronaldo’s shemale escapades in the ‘what a massive rick’ category, but both are trumped by my decision to make a move on a waitress when I holidayed in Thailand. I won’t bore you with all the gruesome details, but let’s just say that she wasn’t the only one who received a large tip. I’m far more comfortable with this tip; back Liverpool to beat the imploding Manchester City at 8/11. Gareth Barry is considering a move to Liverpool as he wants to join a club that can match his ambition. Evidently his ambition is to perform adequately in Europe and never win the league. The Villa can overtake Everton for the UEFA cup spot by seeing off Wigan at 4/7. Last week was disastrous for Birmingham City. As the Blues threw away a 2-0 lead at home, Fulham were performing miracles in Manchester and Bolton were holding on for a point at White Hart Lane. Maybe there is a little truth in the gypsy’s curse; they should never have sold him to Blackburn. Fulham v Birmingham will be a cracker, I’ll explode when Fulham take the points at 5/4. Robbie Savage could definitely forge a career in the female impersonation industry once his best footballing days are behind him; somewhere in 1998. Blackburn are a far better team since they dropped the blonde deadwood; they’ll beat Derby by two or more goals at 5/6. If Reading v Tottenham produces as much action as the reverse fixture, it’ll be quite an entertaining game. Tottenham romped to a 6-4 victory at the Lane; narrowly foiling my bet on ‘no goalscorer’. Reading have deteriorated since then; they haven’t scored a goal since March and only Derby have a worse goal difference. If Tottenham don’t take all three points at 12/5, I’ll be more hurt than when I woke up in Thailand with a worse limp than Heather Mills. All the warning signs were there with that Thai waitress, she actually warned me that she’d be bringing some nuts up to the room. I thought she meant that I’d enjoy a late night snack - unfortunately, I was correct. I’m definitely right in taking a large slice of the 8/11 for an Arsenal win over Everton. I’m reminded of my Thai nightmare whenever I see Roy Keane’s infamous challenge on Alf-Inge Haaland; that was some tackle. Roy’s boys have been priced up at 11/2 against Bolton, that’s very, very big. It was quite ironic that I ended up in a compromising position with a male who looked like a female, as my wife could easily pass for a builder. Aston Villa, Blackburn, Tottenham and Arsenal form a 10/1 accer of which there can be absolutely no ambiguity. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

At one time or another, we all make a mistake of gargantuan proportions. When the wife asked for a potential destination for a short trip, I foolishly answered ‘France’. I completely forgot that the place was almost exclusively full of the French. As soon as we arrived I appreciated the gravity of my error, as the locals made absolutely no effort to speak any English. It appeared that they hadn’t been informed of our arrival. The language barrier actually led me to be being deported. I popped into a café, but I didn’t fancy eating any strange French food such as ‘frites’ or ‘saucisses’, so I helped myself to a biscuit from behind the counter. The owner went ballistic and called the police, and I was on the next plane back to England. I still feel embarrassed about being kicked out of Europe thanks to a simple ginger nut. Liverpool fans share my pain, they should console themselves with the 7/4 for a win over Birmingham. The police were on the ball over there though, unlike their English counterparts. When a French person is reported missing, their filth launch an immediate search; but the Manchester police haven’t even begun their hunt to find poor Wayne. United are winless (and goalless) on their last six visits to Stamford Bridge, I’ll struggle to find a better bet than Chelsea at 6/4. The North East of England is the one place on Earth that’s actually worse than France. The locals are equally as undecipherable, and they take up twice the room. 15/8 is absolutely massive for a Newcastle win over West Ham. The North East does have its redeeming features; it remains a Redknapp-free area. Harry’s decision to stay in Portsmouth was warmly received by the Geordie Nation, as it decreased the probability of them ever bumping into Jamie. I’m particularly thankful for the 23/10 for a draw between Portsmouth and Blackburn. Newcastle have taken a lead in the North East mini-league, which is a little bit like leading a race at the Special Olympics. Sunderland will beat Boro at 13/10 in the battle for the silver medal, but they’re all winners really. There’s a real scrap going on at the bottom of the table, and Fulham are almost certainly relegated. The chairman will most likely blame Prince Philip, MI5 and possibly MFI. I’ve put together 9/10 for a Manchester City win over the doomed Cottagers. Bolton have all the momentum in the relegation battle, but they won’t receive any favours away at Tottenham. I expect the 10/11 for a Tottenham win to last about as long as a Geordie in a beauty contest. Graeme Murty should hang his head in shame after his dying swan act led to a three match ban for Alexander Hleb. Simulation is the unacceptable face of modern day football, alongside Steve Bruce. Wigan v Reading won’t be pleasing to the eye, a draw looks the correct call at 12/5. If I was Robbie Savage, and I’m not (I’m quite good at football); I’d ask for Cesc Fabregas’ shirt after Derby’s ‘match’ against Arsenal. Such an item of memorabilia could potentially raise a tidy sum for when he upgrades his caravan. The 4/5 for Arsenal to beat Derby by two goals or more is remaining remarkably steady. I genuinely feel that Aston Villa will be right behind Arsenal at the top of the table next season - certainly in early August. The Villans are on fire in their quest to make it into Europe; they’ll eat up and spit out the Toffeemen at 23/10. To say I was happy about last week’s winning accer is an understatement; I felt like a Chelsea player after they practically booked their flight to Moscow. When Liverpool, Manchester City, Tottenham and Arsenal oblige for this week’s 10/1 accer, I’ll be happier than Ashley Cole after an invite into the cockpit. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

As a society, we’re obsessed with appearance. I blame teen magazines for perpetuating the myth that skinniness equals beauty. If I had to choose between a thin girl and a lady with a fuller figure, I’d choose the one with the better personality. Obviously, if they’re equally pleasant, then fatty’s out of luck. Men are far less uptight about how they look. Petr Cech was happy to return to work when half of his face was hanging off; he wasn’t concerned that he looked like Steve Bruce’s better looking brother. Cech was back between the sticks within no time, as he managed to borrow the necessary protection from Ashley Cole. Not many people own chin guards, but Cashley is always wary of bouncing balls. I’ll be jumping up and down when Everton beat Chelsea at 14/5. Juande Ramos believes that his players should take pride in their appearance, and has banned cakes and sweets from the canteen. I agree with Juande on this one; I’ll only consider a muffin once a year. If Wigan get their head down against Tottenham, they can take a point at 5/2. Gareth Southgate is far more relaxed with his players’ diet. In Mido and Alves, he has the fattest pair up front since a heavily pregnant Jordan. Bolton are about as pleasing to the eye as Peter Andre’s often visited partner; a relatively attractive Boro will overpower them at 11/10. Thaksin Shinawatra is taking a real gamble in considering Phil Scolari as a future coach. Big Phil once punched an annoying player at the end of a match; there’s a real chance that he might raise a fist to Ashley Cole. Pompey haven’t won away at Manchester City since 1963, I’m going in deep on Sven’s men at 11/8 to gain revenge for being tucked up on the Benjani deal. Steven Gerrard has suffered panic attacks ever since a gangster threatened to break his legs; he now collapses without warning roughly every 30 minutes. The precipitating midfielder and his pals have lost on their last two trips to the Cottage; current circumstances dictate that we back Fulham at 3/1. Arsenal’s season can be compared to putting your hand up Lily Allen’s blouse: it’s been exciting, but the end result is a disappointment. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Gunners laid a marker for next season by pounding Reading at 4/11. Paul Jewell’s move to Derby is officially the greatest mistake since I fell for the ‘I’m on the pill’ line. After a six goal humiliation at home to Aston Villa, the Rams travel to West Ham to face a side who beat them 5-0 at ‘Pride’ Park. Derby have two hopes in this one, Bob Hope and no hope; and Bob Hope’s dead. The Hammers are the weekend banker at 2/5. Many people believe that Mark Hughes will be the next manager of Manchester United. I’m not sure if Hughes is ready to succeed Sir Alex just yet, he needs to work on his referee-haranguing. I’d consider offering the position to Fergie’s son; he would soon knock them into shape. United will pile in to Blackburn at 8/13. I was shocked to receive an email suggesting that I was out of line for calling Karen Brady unattractive. I guess the old adage is true: one man’s meat is another man’s poison, unless you’re Ashley Cole. Aston Villa are one win away from their second straight double over the Brady bunch, and they’re guaranteed a goal start if Ridgewell plays. I’ve seen worse bets than the 5/6 for a Villa win; I tipped them up last week. If Freddie Shepherd is to be believed, and why wouldn’t he, the women of Newcastle are not the best looking breed. No wonder Jimmy Nail, Paul Gascoigne and Peter Beardsley left the area. It could get real ugly when the Toon Army host Sunderland; I’ll side with Newcastle at 5/6. If, like me, your partner is less than pleasing aesthetically, feel free to use my adage to help them feel a little bit better about themselves. ‘Beauty fades, but a solid ironing technique will last forever’. I’m not sure how long the 13/1 will last about this week’s accer: Arsenal, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle and Manchester City are the quite stunning selections. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I do enjoy a moral dilemma. An intellectual friend asked if I would kill a chicken to save a chicken’s life. I honestly replied that I’d happily slaughter a chicken if I missed breakfast. He went on to ask if I would ever use inside information to profit from gambling. I once again answered in all honesty that I have never been involved in such a practice; but then again, I don’t know Harry Redknapp. There is still uproar amongst the betting community whenever the controversial ‘next Portsmouth manager’ market is discussed. I must point out that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I will just say that the 11/4 for a Newcastle win over Portsmouth should be investigated further. David Bentley has admitted to being a former gambling addict. ‘Bents’, or to use his more familiar nickname, ‘the vastly overrated David Bentley’ has an addictive personality, and is currently obsessed with DIY. This did not come as a shock. Liverpool will pull off a win over Blackburn at 8/15. My wife is a stereotypical female; she doesn’t understand the offside rule. She thinks that a player should be penalised if he receives the ball in an offside position, even if the last touch comes off a defender - as long as the attacking side intended to play the fall forward to the player in the advanced position in the first phase of play. What a doughnut. The betting proposition between Derby and Aston Villa is also perfectly clear: the Villa win at 8/13. I was quite shocked to read that a male is due to give birth. I just hope that Frank drops it in time for Chelsea’s game against Wigan. Bookmakers have delivered 1/4 for a Chelsea win - I shall be babysitting. West Ham were once embroiled in a betting furore when Paul Kitson kicked the ball straight into touch from the kick-off. Harry Redknapp was the manager of West Ham at the time, but there is no evidence to suggest that he was involved in a spread betting scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I prefer to believe that Paul Kitson is just not a good passer of a ball, like the Bolton players. The Hammers will add a final nail to Bolton’s Premier League coffin at 13/5. When injury-prone C-list-celebrity romancer Jonathan Woodgate labelled Juande Ramos a ‘proper manager’, it would be safe to assume that he was having a sly dig at Gareth Southgate. Ramos may edge Southgate in experience, but how many pizza adverts has he starred in? I shall be topping up on the 9/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Tottenham. Alex McLeish is a frustrated thespian; he wishes his players luck before each match by saying “Break a leg”. Damien Johnson is the latest player to see red for a career-threatener; Everton will punish the weakened Brummies at 6/4. Emotions always run high when Arsenal meet Manchester United, but that does not excuse the food-fight that broke out after a particularly fiery encounter. Such actions are morally reprehensible when there are starving children in this world; I can’t even begin to imagine what Dawn French’s kids were thinking. I’ll make a small donation to the needy when Arsenal beat Manchester United at 4/1. Manchester City have been heavily linked with Ronaldinho, but I remain sceptical. It reminds me of the time when Birmingham City were linked with Maradona, but he turned the move down as his two-footed over-the-top tackle was lightweight at best. We should all get stuck in to the 6/5 for a Sunderland win over Manchester City. People have been emailing me to ask if I know the identity of the player who allegedly had a £50,000 gambling debt written off in exchange for getting himself sent off. I honestly have no idea who this player is, I just know that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I am reasonably sure about the value in taking even money for a Reading win over Fulham. In a week where the morality of football has been questioned, the filth have now arrested senior figures at Birmingham City. At the time of writing, no charges have been filed, but it’s expected that David Sullivan will be charged with ‘outraging public decency’, presumably for allowing Karen Brady to enter the public arena. I’ll be outraged if Aston Villa, Sunderland, Newcastle and Chelsea fail to land an incorruptible 15/1 accer. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

The adult film industry has many knockers, but I remain a fully-fledged supporter. My only possible critique would be that the storylines occasionally lack realism. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was with my job as a photocopier repair man. My wife is a fierce critic of the genre as she incorrectly believes that the art form demeans women. Personally, I think it’s a positive when a hobby becomes an occupation; I would love to get paid for sending nude photographs of myself to Cheryl Tweedy. I’ll have to finance my pastime by backing Portsmouth at 10/11 to beat West Brom in their FA Cup semi-final. My favourite sub-genre of the adult entertainment industry is the one when two ladies take a spiritual road to self-discovery. There are things I’d rather not see though, and watching Barnsley play Cardiff is the equivalent of watching Lisa Riley tinker with Jade Goody. Cardiff will probably win their semi at 11/8, but I’d rather watch something a little more uplifting. Robbie Savage has all the attributes needed to launch a career in exotic films. He’s blonde, he breathes heavily for 90 minutes and he never needs a second invitation to go down. I can’t see the Derby man getting any satisfaction from Everton; the Toffeemen are the weekend banker at 2/7. Roy Keane has always enjoyed a ruck, but he may be punching above his weight by labelling Sir Alex Ferguson ‘a hypocrite’. Admittedly, he never mentioned Fergie by name, but it couldn’t have been more obvious unless he used the term ‘purple-nose’. Fulham can momentarily quieten the fiery Irishman at 11/8. Manchester City have gone backwards since they signed Benjani. To be fair to Sven, he tried everything in his power to get out of the deal; he said he’d accept Benni McCarthy, Benayoun or Benny from Crossroads as a compromise, but it was all to no avail. Chelsea will take full advantage of Sven’s massive rick at 4/5. Mike Ashley has reportedly lost £129m gambling on financial markets; he’s probably regretting following me in on last week’s bets. I’m having £2 on Newcastle to beat Reading at 4/5. The world and his dog are singing the praises of Cristiano Ronaldo, but Middlesbrough fans are a little more hesitant - all three of them believe that he’s a diver. I nearly collapsed when I saw 15/2 next to a Boro win over Manchester United. Steve Bruce will do everything in his power to send Birmingham down when Wigan face his former side on Saturday. I have nothing but admiration for Bruce’s stance, you should always finish a job that you start. Wigan may have to settle for a point at 23/10. I was stunned when Tottenham’s defences were breached on numerous occasions by Newcastle last week. It was just like a scene from my favourite movie, ‘Snatch’. I have a feeling that Tottenham may already be on their summer break; Blackburn can take full advantage at 6/4. El Hadji Diouf would never make it in the world of erotic film - he’s a spitter. I had to swallow on several occasions when I saw 8/11 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton. They say that good things come in threes, and I’m a huge fan of the ‘Rod-Farther Trilogy’. Arsenal are a confident shout at 6/5 to win the second part of their triple-header against Liverpool, unless the referee is Dirk Kuyt’s neighbour. It’s now reached the stage where my wife has forced me to choose between her and my collection of adult art; so i’m on the lookout for a new dishwasher. Portsmouth, Arsenal, Chelsea and Newcastle form an 11/1 accer that will bring in the necessary funds. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Marriage is like a chicken vindaloo, it’s something you have to try at least once, even though you know you’ll later regret it. I experienced my seven-year itch quite early, it was on the honeymoon. Fortunately, my wandering eye didn’t lead to an act of betrayal, although I put that down to the fact that the barmaid was almost certainly a button-flicker. If newspaper reports are to be believed, Paul Jewell has allegedly been getting his bread sliced at a different bakery. We can all come into a little dough when Fulham beat Derby at 7/5. Cristiano Ronaldo has also ‘entertained’ a string of women over the past year, which probably explains why Sir Alex is demanding extra protection. I’ve been told that Ronaldo also has a large gay following; I can only assume that Cheryl has been overdoing it with the chip pan. Man U have won their last 13 matches against Aston Villa, I’ll happily tuck into the 1/3 for another United win. Javier Mascherano will miss the Merseyside derby after a ridiculous sending-off against Manchester United last week. If we start dismissing players just for being annoying, Chelsea would have to play every game with eight men. Everton haven’t won at Anfield this millennium, I’ll be seeing red if Liverpool slip up at 4/5. A lack of respect for the referee is currently a hot topic, but it’s going to be OK - Ian Wright has a four-step plan. I’ve solved the conundrum that is Chelsea v Middlesbrough; get on the baiters at 1/3. Birmingham City are at the heart of a corruption investigation, presumably for buying Liam Ridgewell. Manchester City have come out on top on their last four meetings with the troubled Blues; it’ll be a scandal if Sven’s men don’t take all three points at 9/4. Gael Clichy is a lot like Ashley Cole. After tangling with Mido, the Arsenal full-back was left with an unwanted gash. I’ll be half-cut when Arsenal bounce back against Bolton at 4/5. After using flimsy excuses for arriving late at training, Liam Miller has been placed on the transfer list. Roy Keane quipped, “Don’t get in a car with Liam, because he has more car crashes than anyone I know.” Paul Jewell won’t find jokes about car accidents very amusing; his Mercedes was involved in a rear-ender. West Ham can dent Sunderland’s survival bid by taking a point at 23/10. Emile Heskey has scored one goal in the last seven months, which is something of a purple patch for the clumsy striker. The big man is like Ashley Cole, he lacks confidence in the box. I’m more than comfortable with the 4/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan. Shane Long may be on his way out of Reading. The surly striker is unhappy with being fined a week’s wages for throwing his shirt at his manager; it would have been a lot worse if Ashley Cole hadn’t quickly picked it up. I refuse to turn my back on the 6/4 for a Reading win over Blackburn. If Tottenham do sell Berbatov in the summer, they should move to sign Ashley Cole and Shane Long. I believe Ashley would definitely be interested if Ramos promised to play three up front - especially if they’re Long, Bent and Keane. I’ll be riding the Tottenham train at 7/10 against Newcastle. Like Ashley Cole and Paul Jewell, I have often been tempted by the fruit of another, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s like the old saying: why go out for a burger, when you’ve got a fat cow at home. Arsenal, Fulham, Tottenham and Liverpool form a sure-fire 11/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to reconsider my position. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Even though I was brought up as a Catholic, I have never followed a spiritual path. I blame an over-zealous Priest for my descent into heresy; he was constantly on my back when I was young. If my memory serves me correctly, Easter is a time to reflect upon the resurrection of Christ. It’s believed that after three days, He rose again. I don’t want to diminish the significance, but I’d fancy Pele to beat that. The Geordies believe that King Keegan is the one true Messiah; it would be sacrilegious not to back Newcastle at 10/11 against Fulham. Jesus may have forgiven Robbie Keane for his petulant reaction to being substituted last weekend, but Juande Ramos was apoplectic. I have a lot of sympathy for Keane in this case; it’s an emotional time when you’re being pulled off. I’ll happily play with the even money for a Tottenham win over Portsmouth. John Carew may not be scoring regularly on the pitch, but if press reports are to be believed, he’s managed to bag ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ star Alesha Dixon. I’ve seen pictures of Alesha, and one bag may not be enough. I’ll need a large container to carry home my winnings after Aston Villa see off Sunderland at 3/5. It’s rare that I shower praise upon Steve Bruce, but his decision to drop Titus Bramble was outstanding. Bruce knows what it takes to become a top class defender; he played alongside Gary Pallister. 4/5 had been placed alongside a Blackburn win over Wigan. I’m on. Thaksin Shinawatra is not a happy man. The Thai ‘businessman’ has reportedly claimed that City are losing too many games in his absence, and he may have to tighten the bolt on his return. If I was Sven, I’d be worried. I’d be ringing up Ulrika, but I’d certainly be worried. Bolton can ensure the bolt is tightened with a win at 6/4. Middlesbrough will be without Mido after he saw red for kicking Gael Clichy in the head. The Egyptian should be ashamed of his actions, as should the players who gave him the lift up. Let’s all rise to celebrate the 1/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Derby. I’m quite ashamed to admit that I have something in common with the impious Martin Taylor. We’re both often referred to as ‘tiny’, although for Martin, it’s an ironic reference. The 23/20 for a Reading win over Birmingham is healthily proportioned. It’s great to see the West Ham production line coming up trumps once again. Freddie Sears looks a great prospect, but I’m not overly impressed with the ‘Alan Shearer’ goal celebration; it takes too long to kick Neil Lennon, creosote a fence and unsettle the Newcastle management. Everton are going for a treble over the Hammers this season, I have to play at 3/4. Steven Gerrard was upset when Rio Ferdinand claimed that Liverpool were not among the best teams in Europe. To be fair to Rio, he was misquoted - he meant to say that Liverpool were not among the best teams in England. Liverpool have lost their last four league meetings with their bitter rivals, and have failed to score in their last six. United can extend that run at 11/10. Chelsea meet Arsenal in the 2nd part of Grand Slam Super Mega Awesome Sunday, in a dress rehearsal for the Champions League semi-final. I’ve studied Chelsea’s win ratio in the big games under Avram Grant, it didn’t take long. Arsenal are turning into draw specialists, I’ll happily take the 9/4 for a tie. Jesus would not be happy with the vitriolic abuse aimed at Heather Mills after her divorce from Paul McCartney. I look at it as a value gamble on Heather’s part, she risked negative press and the occasional slap for a healthy financial settlement. I was quite surprised that she received as much as £24m; I think she must have shown the judge a little leg. Blackburn, Middlesbrough, Everton and a Chelsea draw form a 13/1 accer that will hopefully lead to an equally impressive return. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com