In a week where Mohammed Al Fayed has pointed an accusing finger at Tony Blair, the Nazis, Dracula and a crocodile, it seems odd that Richard Scudamore has emerged as football’s leading figure of fun. When a friend told me that Scudamore planned to play a round of matches overseas, I thought it was the worst idea I’d ever heard - and I used to work in a nursery. I say ‘worked’, but it went down as ‘loitering’ on the charge sheet. The Chief Executive of the Premier League appears to have been influenced by Gordon Gekko’s ‘Greed is good’ monologue from ‘Wall Street’. I’d advise Scudamore against following in the footsteps of Michael Douglas, as he may have to fight off Welsh gold-diggers. Investing in the 8/11 for a Pompey win over Sunderland is a socially acceptable way of increasing your bankroll. The idea of 10 matches being televised back-to-back genuinely worries me, as I ritualistically indulge in a couple of beers during a game. There’s no way I’ll be able to drink 20 pints, unless i have to spend a night with Kelly Osbourne. I will happily indulge in a celebratory couple when Middlesbrough stun Liverpool at 17/2. Sir Alex Ferguson condemned his players for showboating in last week’s FA Cup victory over Arsenal, but the unsavoury incident could have been a whole lot worse. Apparently, Wayne Rooney once kept it up with Nani for over two minutes. I’ll definitely be paying for it if Manchester United fail to defeat the depleted Toon Army at 8/15. When it comes to cool celebrity support, Everton are way behind the likes of Manchester City. The Toffeemen tried to persuade Sylvester Stallone to give soccer a try, but he couldn’t pull it off, which is quite ironic. I’ll happily play with the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Everton. Blackburn and Bolton have contested the mushy pea derby on 13 occasions in the Premier League, and the team playing at home has never emerged victorious. I’m going to lay Blackburn at 10/11 like it was a legless woman in a nightclub. That Heather Mills certainly knows how to celebrate. I find the political arena almost exclusively dull, but the revelation that the Home Secretary is an avid Aston Villa supporter genuinely attracted my interest. I have nothing but admiration for the way that Jacqui Smith can juggle her secretarial work with her homemaker duties. I hope she finds the time to back the Villa against Reading at a delightful 7/5. Playing a home match against Derby is like going on a date with Paris Hilton, you’re confident that they’ll roll over without much of a fight. Wigan are the fortunate beneficiaries of three easy points at 8/13. There is a direct correlation between a club’s support and the coolness of the team’s nickname. Aston Villa are the evil Villans, Tottenham are the boiling Spuds and Manchester United are the Red Devils. Who in their right mind would choose to be a Cottager? Ashley Cole knows that West Ham are a great bet at 9/5 to beat Fulham. The bigwigs at Chelsea are still understandably upset after a package containing white powder was delivered to their training ground. They’ve now ordered Frank Lampard to use sugar sachets like the rest of the squad. The last time Chelsea met Tottenham in a cup match, an irate Spud attacked Frank, which is the actual definition of irony. Chelsea came out on top on that occasion and I can only see a repeat at 11/10 in the Carling Cup final. The more i consider the potential benefits of the globalisation of the Premier League, the more appealing the idea becomes. The Chinese would be able to relegate the ping-pong ball to a late night entertainment spot, Australians could embrace a sport that doesn’t involve shearing, and the Yanks would learn that real footballers refuse to wrap up like a suicide bomber in winter. I’ll be going off on one if Arsenal fail to beat Birmingham at 8/15. There is currently an incredible amount of opposition to Scudamore’s thought-provoking proposal, but nothing is insurmountable; with the obvious exception of Ruby Wax. Wigan, Manchester United, Chelsea and Aston Villa form an 11/1 accer that will hopefully remove that ghastly image from my recently tortured mind’s eye. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Conformity demands that I waste good money on a pointless gift and a meaningless card, even though the wife has spent the last 364 days of the year criticising me for being lazy. I’d happily dump her; but it’s a lot of effort to find someone new. Paul McCartney has taken the brave step of officially ending his ill-fated relationship. For me, he’s definitely made the correct decision, even if it does cost him an arm and a leg. While Paul and I understand that love is a complete fallacy, there are still a minority who believe in the romance of the FA Cup. The reality is that the minnows just make up the numbers until the trophy is lifted by one of the big 4, or Liverpool. Rafa Benitez has pointed the finger at the Yanks for their relegation from the elite. You can blame the Americans for many things: Middle East instability, nuclear war, terrorism, global warming, 9/11 and fat children, but they didn’t rest Torres against Birmingham. I hope Rafa takes the FA Cup seriously, as I’m on the Reds at 1/5 against Barnsley. The liveliest atmosphere of the 5th Round will probably be at Coventry, where West Brom will be arriving with 8,000 screaming Yam Yams. I’ll definitely be going out of my way to avoid Coventry this weekend; although the words ‘this’ and ‘weekend’ are pretty much superfluous. The Baggies look a fair shout at 7/5 to leave victorious. David James continues to surprise me. There were times when I thought he would prove a major liability; those times were 1990 – 1996 and 1998 – 2007. With Calamity in this kind of form, you have to believe that Preston have a tougher job on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist. I’ll be made up when Pompey advance at 10/11. It will be somewhat ironic if Middlesbrough put an end to Bryan Robson’s managerial career. It was at the Boro where Robbo first made his name; I think it was ‘Jim Beam’. Robson may well be interested in the odds for a Middlesbrough win over Sheffield United; 7/5 is a little short. Cardiff have come a long way since the Sam Hammam era, when new signings were contractually obligated to enjoy a physical liaison with a sheep. That controversial clause was widely criticised at the time, but it did lead to Franck Ribery asking for a trial. Things are a lot more stable at Ninian Park today; they have Peter Ridsdale in the boardroom. The chairman can buy another goldfish when the Bluebirds slaughter the Wolves at 11/8. Southampton will still be without a manger for their trip to Bristol Rovers. The Saints did try to rehire Glenn Hoddle, but he wanted to discuss his options with a likeminded friend, so he’s waiting for Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings to end. I’ll be on Bristol Rovers at 2/1 to see off the Saints; although I’ll stay away from the handicap. After finding the net in his last nine matches, Emmanuel Adebayor will be hoping to reach a perfect 10 against Manchester United. I’m not normally one to boast, but I once dated a German girl who was very close to being a ‘10’. She was extremely arrogant though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love. I’m screaming about the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester United and Arsenal. Like Helga, Avram Grant always appears deeply unhappy. As an Israeli, Grant has seen some distressing sights through the years, although nothing could prepare him for the picture of the hairdresser who gave Ashley Cole a little trim. I’ll throw up if Chelsea fail to beat Huddersfield at 1/10. For Cheryl Cole and Heather Mills, Valentines Day will be a depressing affair. My wife will be genuinely excited though, as she loves to eat a mountain of chocolate on this special occasion - it’s a weekday. Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Portsmouth form a 12/1 accer that will allow me to purchase an extra large bar of Toblerone. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I’m half-Irish and I’m married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true. It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follicly challenged, the authorities took her children away. It’s not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he’s shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca. Personally I think it’s a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I’ll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ’s Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading. Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he’ll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10. Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it’s believed that the King’s son was a real nause. I’ll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth. Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams. Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It’s just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck. Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn’t for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11. Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven’t seen each other since filming Cinderella. I’ll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20. The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O’Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan’s Toon Army at 10/11. A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal’s match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as ‘little Mozart’, due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I’m a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn. After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey’s loss is Manchester City’s loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3. Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline. Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer; it’s also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Call me old-fashioned, but i believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife, unless the opportunity arose. I have serious doubts over my wife’s respect for monogamy. The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife’s M.O. I can’t condemn Cole too strongly, as he’s not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich. A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant. It’s been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn’t regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now. Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they’re on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5. Adebayor is a quality player, but you can’t solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven’t all moved to Scotland. I can’t get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City. Liverpool need a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I’ve suggested, ‘Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008’. I’ll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I’ve been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw. With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle’s manicurist, a 4th place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn v Everton to be tighter than Mido’s belt as the war for four intensifies. I’m sitting on the fence at 9/4. Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I’ve seen the light; I’ve backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton. Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd’s lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I’ll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money. Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he’s going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5. If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since i arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching Beadle’s About. I’ll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7. It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It’s definitely wrong to kick someone when they’re down, unless you’re Alan Shearer. Newcastle isn’t big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough. Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn’t like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa form an accer that stands out at a particularly pert 11/1. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Statistics are normally my trusted ally, but even close friends can occasionally fall out. Research claims to prove that men are over 50% more likely to be involved in a road accident than women, but that’s probably because they’ve all been run over by dippy bints. Only last weekend, the wife’s vertiginous nature led to a particularly bad smash. Betty was seriously shaken up, but luckily, a Scientologist was quickly on the scene. The incident would never have occurred if we lived in Saudi Arabia, as women are forbidden from driving by law. They must really respect their women to go to such lengths to keep them safe. The Saudi ladies have many other social advantages. When Manchester United played their controversial testimonial in Riyadh, the women were all banned from the stadium; presumably to protect them from the shock of viewing Rooney and Tevez. I can’t take my eyes off the 7/1 for a Tottenham win over a jetlagged United side. While the Saudi women lead a life of luxury, the men are treated incredibly shabbily. Islamic law allows the males to marry up to four wives: so you can understand why a minority go apocalyptic. I’d consider destroying the West if I had to watch Eastenders four times a week. It’s not all doom and gloom for the men, as multiple weddings equate to multiple stag nights. It’s a little bit different over there though: it takes the stripper 25 minutes to whip out her elbows. There won’t be a Stag party when Mansfield face Middlesbrough, Southgate’s men will knock them out at a fundamentally sound 4/9. Amy Winehouse can only look on in jealousy at the freedoms offered to the women of the Middle East. Amy can’t even water her plants without being harassed by the man, although she has been overdoing it with the hosepipe lately. I’ll be having the craic with the 5/6 for a Derby win over Preston. The footballing world has changed dramatically since Kevin Keegan last flexed his managerial muscle. The game is now awash with American cowboys, and in a sign of solidarity with our friendly-firing brothers, Joey Barton now walks like John Wayne. I won’t be backing Arsenal at 2/5 against Newcastle. The hell I won’t. Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville is what the FA Cup is all about: it’s a bunch of nobodies getting spanked by a decent team. Bookies are as short as 1/100 about a Liverpool win, I’ll play on the Reds -2.5 goals at a more punter friendly 1/2. Wigan looked to have completed a canny piece of business with the signing of Wilson Palacios. The Honduran is nicknamed ‘Harry Potter’, a moniker earned when his brother disappeared. 8/15 for a Chelsea win over Wigan will be vanishing soon. Mark Hughes is definitely a kind-hearted soul. He went face to face with Gareth Southgate last week, and he resisted the urge to laugh. I’ll be smiling like a trout enthusiast around Leslie Ash when Aston Villa see off Blackburn at even money in the only Premier League fixture of the weekend. Frankly, I was quite disturbed by the news that Leslie Ash pocketed £5m after contracting a bug while in hospital. It’s not like Lee Chapman needs the money, he already owns a mobile exercise unit. The controversial payout has led me to consider moving to the utopia that is Saudi Arabia. Naturally, this would lead to a conversion to Islam, which will conflict with my liberal beliefs. The wife would have to wear a veil though, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Aston Villa, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Southampton and Watford form a 10/1 weekend accer that will pay for the necessary amount of tarpaulin. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

My heart goes out to the clinically depressed and the morbidly obese, but I have a genuine illness; I suffer from sleep deprivation. I believe my condition is a result of an incident that occurred many years ago, when I was naïve enough to believe that physical attractiveness was not an essential requirement in the process of potential mate selection. It was a Saturday night, and I found myself frequenting a nightclub with a group of friends, such was the custom at that time. As 2am arrived and a sense of desperation filled the air, I approached a lady who I thought looked quite hot. It turned out she was just very sweaty. As she made her intentions clear, I made the cardinal error of not topping up my alcohol level before exiting the building. On the taxi ride home, sobriety kicked in like a tortured mule. Within two minutes of entering my humble abode, she was parading shamelessly in her birthday suit. It was at this stage that I fully appreciated the gravity of the situation. Unfortunately, my plea to go directly to the cigarette fell upon deaf ears. Without going into too much detail of what followed, I can confirm that I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, and I’ve struggled to get my head down ever since. As the dawn approached like a guardian angel, I plucked up the courage to ask her to leave by the back door, which was somewhat ironic. I made a conscious decision that morning to never return to the club, as the experience left me close to a breakdown. Kevin Keegan has been far less pragmatic. I do expect a significant short-term improvement for the Toon Army; I’ll be getting on the Geordies at 5/6 at home to Bolton. I was quite surprised that Steve Bruce was never approached by Mike Ashley. Bruce has been in charge of Wigan for about seven weeks, so he is definitely due a move. I expect to see a massive move on Everton to beat Wigan at an exceedingly pleasant 11/8. Fulham FC share a trait of mine: they start off quickly, but lack stamina. The Cottagers have lost a lead in 10 of their 22 Premier League matches this season, blowing 25 points in the process. I can only put Fulham’s lack or resolve down to poor conditioning; I’ll buy them a case of ‘Wash & Go’ after Arsenal turn them over at 8/15. Blackburn are still struggling to find a replacement for Robbie Savage. They came close last week, but Sun Hill refused to release Gillian Taylforth. I‘m diving on the 4/5 for a Blackburn win over Middlesbrough. With matches at White Hart Lane producing an average of 5.1 goals, Juande Ramos has been forced to tighten up at the back; so he’s dropped Paul Robinson like an opinionated girlfriend. Spurs are on an upward curve as a result, they’re a confident selection at 4/9 against Sunderland. Manchester City are a Jekyll and Hyde club. When they play at home, they’re an object of unquestionable beauty, yet when they leave Eastlands, they’re as useful as a military recruitment centre in Paris. West Ham are making the now familiar trip to the City of Manchester Stadium, you have to like the even money for another home win. I was genuinely surprised by the amount of appearances made by a relatively young Jamie Carragher. I haven’t seen 500 clocked up so quickly since the wife last stood on the scales. A Liverpool win over Villa will be a weight off my mind; I’m playing heavily at 4/6. Ronaldo is on course to be the first wide man since George Best to receive the Golden Boot. There are many similarities between the two players. Best was a Manchester United hero, as is Ronaldo. Best was a phenomenal dribbler, as is the Portuguese step-over expert. Best loved his women. I’ll be trying to get on Manchester United at 4/9 to beat Reading. John Terry has been outed as a Manchester United supporter, further perpetrating the myth that most of United’s support originates in London. That’s an insult to the Chinese. I’ll take it as a personal insult if Chelsea slip up against Birmingham at 4/6. After starting the season on fire, Benjani has reverted to type. If missed chances were pints of lager, he’d have a liver like George Best. I’m taking a chance on the draw between Portsmouth and Derby at 10/3. I can’t think of George Best without remembering the time that I had a badly damaged organ. That night still haunts me, and I can’t sleep without the aid of sedatives. Luckily, I’ve been carrying them around with me for a number of years, as you never know when opportunity will knock. Chelsea, Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton and Liverpool form a fantastic 15/1 betting opportunity that only comes along once every seven days. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give. I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that i agreed to pay £10 a month towards the campaign, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up. Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage. Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie incredibly rang him up to arrange a meet where they could ‘discuss it’ further. Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox. Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation, and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem. An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty. Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion will not be an issue. Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling. I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby. Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4. Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give ‘the Neville brothers’ about the historical competition. Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again. That’s two hits. Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova. 1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing. Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup and the Cup Winners Cup. I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City. If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.” I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham. Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations, they’re literally down to the bare bones. Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8. The early money in the ‘next Newcastle manager’ market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a non-believer, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65 and I have no intention of closing my position. If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit. I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4. Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week. I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea. Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff. People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait. If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Ignorance is not necessarily bliss. I’ve recently discovered that binge drinking can lead to long-term health problems, such as crabs and Chlamydia. The arrival of a new year offers me the opportunity to reflect upon my previous excess and resolve to make a significant change. I have made a solemn pledge to drink no more than the next man; as long as the man next to me is Joey Barton. I hope that Joey has used his time in custody productively, and has questioned the wisdom of some of his earlier decisions. He should never have taken tips on dining etiquette from Lee Bowyer. A source close to Sam Allardyce has told me that Nicky Butt is extremely disappointed in his teammate’s behaviour, and will be having a quiet little word in his ear to remind him of his responsibilities. Just when Joey thought things couldn’t get any worse, he now has a sore Butt to contend with. I’ll happily pounce on the 11/8 for a Newcastle win over Stoke. Lee Hughes can empathise with the Barton situation, as he has also returned to football after completing a stretch. “I was touching my toes every night,” bragged the ginger fitness fanatic. Many people were disappointed with Oldham’s decision to employ Hughes on his release, but Andy Johnson remains fully supportive; he’s even promised to make an ‘A’ sign if he scores a goal. Everton will run over an outclassed Oldham at 1/4. Manchester United supporters always enjoy their trip to the midlands for their traditional FA Cup 3rd round meeting with Aston Villa. Not only have they saw their team emerge victorious on each of their last eight visits, it’s also a shorter journey than they’re accustomed to. I’m absolutely overjoyed with the prospect of 10/11 for another Manchester United win. Steve Bruce compared purchasing players in January to buying puppies at Christmas, “You have to make sure it's long term and for the right reasons,” lectured the pugnacious manager. I’ll definitely be getting my hands on a couple of puppies if Sunderland end Wigan’s campaign at 5/4. An apoplectic Juande Ramos threatened to completely dismantle the Spurs team after they lost to Aston Villa in midweek. I fully expect to see a superhuman effort from the Tottenham players after the manager’s tirade. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Tottenham will repeat last week’s victory over Reading at 8/15. Freddie Ljungberg is still suffering from migraines. My wife can totally sympathise with the Swede, she’s had a recurring headache for five years. I will be getting my hands on the 6/4 for a West Ham win over Manchester City. Mark Hughes appears to be willing to release Robbie Savage. The Blackburn manager stated that Robbie ‘doesn't take not playing very well’ and added that Savage was ‘frustrated’. That’s just a fancy way of confirming what we already suspected. I’ll be furiously pounding the 2/5 for a Blackburn win over Coventry. Coventry could do with a decent cup run, as they still face the threat of liquidation. That must be one big blender. Burnley face an absolute shoeing at the hands of Arsenal, I’m taking an involvement at 2/5. QPR have some serious financial clout in the boardroom. Lakshmi Mittal could buy and sell Roman Abramovich like a cheap blonde, although Mark Hughes is now attempting to flood the market. Backing Chelsea to beat QPR at 1/6 will lead to small economic growth. The ‘romance of the cup’ may be a cliché, but I genuinely fancy Sheffield Wednesday to pull off an upset against Derby at 7/2. In fact, it will be more of a shock if they don’t. Incredibly, I was once accused of being unromantic. This allegation is a complete fabrication. Even when drinking heavily, i’ll always pay for a lady’s kebab before introducing her to the little G. If Tottenham, West Ham, Arsenal and Newcastle land a 10/1 weekend accer, I’ll even consider throwing in a small chips. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

The wife and I are similar in many ways, but we disagree on the most prudent way to discipline children. Betty is from the old-school, and believes a small slap is perfectly acceptable. I take the opposite view, and prefer the use of a knuckle-duster. Such actions would not be necessary if it wasn’t for our children being led astray by poor role-models, such as Premier League footballers. Even fully grown men occasionally follow their contentious lead; just last Tuesday I enjoyed a lunchtime roast. It’s not just the off-field antics that leave a nasty taste in the mouth; the game is still riddled with simulation. There appears to be a growing number of players who embrace the turf more than Jodie Foster. Peter Crouch tried to point the finger at foreign players after trying to dissect Jon Obi Mikel. As Crouch launched into his astonishing tirade, a sheepish Steven Gerrard kept his head down in the background. I hope that Stevie steps up when Liverpool play Manchester City; I’m hitting the Reds at 11/10. Luckily, some players are willing to change. Ashley Young may have been guilty of going down easily in the past, but I have it on good authority that he plans to get a grip of himself over the coming months. The inspirational Young will lead Aston Villa to victory over Wigan at 7/5. Arsene Wenger’s decision to release Ashley Cole was truly inspired. Arsenal’s new left-back has been a revelation this season, but I disagree with his assertion that players need a winter break. That’s just a tired cliché. The 6/5 for an Arsenal win over Everton should be on everybody’s lips. David Sullivan has claimed that the departure of Steve Bruce was “the best thing that has ever happened to Birmingham City.” He’s obviously forgotten about the glorious Auto Windscreens Shield campaign of 1995. The Blues can crack a managerless Fulham at 10/11. Sol Campbell does not appreciate terrace banter. The big man has asked for intervention from the FA, the PFA, and somewhat optimistically, the government. I just can’t see Gordon Brown introducing a ministry for the concerns of the slightly deranged. Portsmouth are unbeaten against Boro in their last 10 meets: I’d rather listen to a repeat of the Queen’s speech than miss the 7/10 for a Pompey win. I try to stay away from the political arena as a rule, but there is something seriously amiss in this country when the likable Al Bangura is threatened with deportation, yet the campaign to remove Robbie Savage is ignored by the suits in Westminster. The 10/11 for a Blackburn win against the luckless Derby is equally perplexing. Roy Keane has been linked with a move for Robbie Savage in the January window. I’m pleased that the Irishman hasn’t allowed Sunderland’s perilous position to affect his sense of humour. I’ll be laughing like Peter Beardsley’s photographer when I take the 6/4 for a Sunderland win over Bolton. Jermain Defoe remains understandably unhappy with his prolonged spell on the bench, as he has to keep a continual eye out for a drunken Alan Davies. Tottenham are firing on all cylinders, I’ll happily take a bite out of the 4/7 for a Spurs win against a floundering Reading. Wayne Rooney allegedly made a few risqué suggestions to a Daily Mirror reporter at Manchester United’s controversial Christmas bash. A stunned Mr McGovern was forced to make his excuses and leave. I won’t be knocking back the 3/1 for a draw between West Ham and Manchester United. Chelsea have been leaking goals since John Terry met with Emmanuel Eboue’s studs of immediate justice; but they face a Newcastle side who remain impotent on the road. We should all rise to welcome the 4/9 for a Chelsea win. Alex can consider himself fortunate to be JT’s replacement. The Brazilian could stand back-to-back with Frank Lampard and form a perfect circle. Portsmouth, Tottenham, Arsenal and Liverpool form a 10/1 accer that is the literal definition of perfection. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I remain a slave to tradition. Every year, I make a complete fool of myself at the office Christmas party, and this year was no exception. After consuming a few too many ales, I made a misguided play for the cleaner under the mistletoe. He was absolutely livid. My luck is unlikely to improve over the holidays. The wife has invited her mother and her sister to Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho. I refuse to wallow in self pity though, as there are children in this world who live in near poverty. In a completely selfless gesture on my part, I’ve bought myself a new pair of trainers to reward their strong work ethic. In an uncharacteristic piece of good fortune, I’ve been spared the expense of weighing in for gifts for my own kids. As Blackburn fought back to 2-2 against Arsenal in midweek, the little ones overheard me say that Santa was literally on fire. I’m investing the savings on a Blackburn win over Chelsea at 7/2. The most annoying aspect of the ‘festive’ period is probably the repetitive advertisements. Ian Wright looked to have won the award for the most grating commercial, until Jamie Redknapp and Tim Lovejoy formed an unstoppable axis of evil. I’ve disgracefully found myself singing along to that awful ad that accuses Reo-Coker of buying knock-off DVDs. Such a practise is reprehensible: you can download movies for free off the internet. 11/10 for a Villa win over Manchester City is another spectacular giveaway. Michael Owen must be a happy man after Manchester City declared an interest in his services. The miniscule hitman has suffered more than his fair share of injuries throughout his career, and under Sam Allardyce, a strained neck is almost inevitable. I’m hardly sticking my neck out by suggesting a Newcastle win over Derby at 2/5. Tottenham and Arsenal do not get along. The animosity was born in 1913 when Arsenal invaded their territory, and tensions rose further when the Gunners replaced them in the top flight after a ballot in 1919. The relationship between the two clubs completely deteriorated in 2007, when Alan Davies tried to eat Chas and Dave for resembling the homeless. I’m putting my house on a draw between the fierce rivals at 3/1. When Gary Megson arrived at Bolton, he had a 1.7% approval rate, and there was a 2% margin for error. The people of Bolton are warming to the ginger Mourinho; he can turn the screw on Birmingham at even money. Alan Curbishley is worried that Anton Ferdinand is in danger of embracing a pop-star culture. The West Ham boss has nothing to worry about; all pop-stars are good-lookers, with the exception of Lily Allen. I’ll be happy to get on the 23/10 for a draw between Middlesbrough and West Ham. I felt sorry for Steve Bennett as he had to face Roy Keane after ruling out a legitimate Sunderland winner last week. I’d sooner go into a tunnel with Henri Paul than the volatile Irishman. I’ll be absolutely smashed when Reading oblige at even money against Sunderland. Manchester United are way too short at 4/9 for the visit of Everton. The Moyes Boys are on a 12 match unbeaten run, and they’ve left Old Trafford with a point on two of their last three trips. The Toffeemen are available at 9/4 to avoid defeat, which has left me as excited as Wayne Rooney on ‘Gran Slam Sunday’. These cold mornings are absolutely killing me. The wife nicked my toast this morning, which was bordering on an absolute liberty. Ronaldo can empathise with my situation, as Marcus Bent has reportedly been playing with his porridge. I’ve got the oats to get my cash down on a Fulham win over Wigan at 23/20. Christmas is especially hard on little orphan children. It’s perfectly understandable that the more vulnerable will struggle to adapt to a strange new home at this time of year, and some will even consider running away. I heard reports just last weekend that a young Spanish lad went missing in Liverpool. Fernando will mark his return by sleighing Pompey at 4/7. I’m all for enjoying the excesses of the festive period, but I also take the time to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas. To those with faith, he was a saviour; but he suffered on the cross. I just hope he lets a few more in for Pompey this weekend. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Bolton, Reading and Newcastle form a nailed-on Christmas accer at a perfectly pious 15/1. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com