Their names tripped off the tongue together for so long it's a strange feeling to think Mark Viduka is relaxing into unofficial retirement while Harry Kewell's career is undergoing a perfectly timed renaissance for club and country. Viduka has not played for the Socceroos since 2007 and decided against keeping his European career going after his contract with Newcastle United ended almost a year ago. He's since divided his time between Croatia and Melbourne, and has given no indication of wanting to ever play again. Meanwhile, Kewell's past 18 months in Turkey with Galatasaray could hardly have gone any more to plan. In blazing contrast to his unhappy five-year spell at boyhood idols Liverpool, the 31-year-old's fitness has rarely been called into question, he is adored by the Gala supporters and has the confidence of coach Frank Rijkaard. The golden boy of Australian soccer has come a long way since gambling on a move to the Turkish capital in 2008. Kewell's burgeoning reputation in England was ruined on Merseyside. Nobody there recalls the Leeds United teenager who tore right-backs to shreds and snubbed Manchester United's interest to move to Anfield. The Aussie winger is principally remembered for hobbling off midway through the first-half of the 2005 Champions League final in, all of places, Istanbul, jeered and heckled by his own supporters as he succumbed to another groin injury while Liverpool were being batted by rampant Milan. Kewell was also substituted in the FA Cup final in 2006 with the same ailment, with those episodes and others leading Liverpool fans to conclude their £5 million signing was damaged goods and needed shipping out. However, Kewell's improved fitness record since leaving England for Turkey has seriously undermined that opinion with Liverpool's medical staff coming under fire from his agent Bernie Mandic last month for their apparent poor treatment of him during his time there. The platform for Mandic to make such a stinging attack has been laid by the buoyant Kewell's stunning impact at Gala. He carefully managed to avoid too much criticism for contentiously joining the club Leeds fans love to loathe after two of their supporters never returned from the Uefa Cup semi-final clash in 2000. And ever since Kewell's individual performances have been on an upward trajectory. In a recent interview with the Turkish Football Federation's monthly magazine, the Gala No.19 claimed to have been "reborn" since his transfer, while he now is considered by some supporters the most popular foreign player in Turkey since George Hagi. That's some statement considering the Romanian playmaker won a Uefa Cup, European Super Cup and four league titles during his five years in Istanbul. With Kewell approaching the end of his current contract in June, Galatasaray supporters have already started pleading with him to stay amid transfer rumours of a move by Marseille to take him to France, even setting up a website called www.staywithusharry.com dedicated to keeping him at the Ali Sami Yen stadium. The left-footed winger or emergency striker says he's in no rush to leave after settling into Istanbul life. Domestically as strong as ever, Gala are also through to the last 32 in the Europa League, while in January Kewell was joined by compatriot Lucas Neill. Following hot on the heels of Mandic's comments, there's a hint of irony surrounding Kewell's latest injury setback. He is currently sidelined with a groin tear, a problem that was first thought sufficiently serious to place his World Cup participation under a cloud. The latest prognosis is that Kewell will return next month, and has been pencilled in to play for the Socceroos in their farewell match against fellow qualifiers New Zealand in late May. Despite Tim Cahill's irresistible form in the Premier League with Everton and the fine displays of Mark Schwarzer, Kewell's name remains intrinsically linked with Australian football success in many corners of the world and he will again have a role to play in South Africa. Socceroos coach Pim Verbeek's greatest concern heading into a group phase that has pitched Australia against Germany, Serbia and Ghana is the make-up of his strike force. Verbeek's options are so limited , the temptation is to play Kewell , who scored a crucial goal in World Cup 2006 against Croatia, as a lone striker, similar to the way Rijkaard has occasionally used him this season at Gala. How the Dutchman would love a fit and firing Viduka as the focal point of his attacks in South Africa. But he might just have to instead hope that Kewell can reproduce his club form in the green and gold in what's likely to be his last major international tournament. Copyright © Marc Fox and Soccerphile.com Tags Soccer News football

Another exciting weekend of Premier League action has seen Tottenham Hotspur move to the top of the table after making it three wins out of three. Harry Redknapp's rejuvenated side secured a 2-1 win at London rivals West Ham to move ahead of Chelsea on goal difference. Spurs start is in stark contrast to this time last season when they failed to reach nine points until November; a run that resulted in the dismissal of former manager Juande Ramos.

Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment. The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic. I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise. Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg. Steven ‘more dives than Glasgow’ Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4. As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney. A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard. Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday. Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem - he sent me a text that read, ‘gbvsdfabdsb’. Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano. Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, i’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee. I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area. Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall. The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote ‘reading difficulties’ on her school report. I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage - I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an ‘X’ at 7/2. Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler - they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful. I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys. Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it ‘The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe.’ A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4. Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville. Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags. I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; i’d better change my name to Annette. On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo - at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion. Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie. Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking. Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin. As an Aston Villa supporter, i’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank. I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous. The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final. I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys. My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accer are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

It might be the worry of becoming a dad for the first time, but West Ham and Australia captain Lucas Neill didn't look quite himself against Manchester United over the weekend. Neill, who became public enemy number one at Old Trafford after his involvement in the first-half dismissal of United's Portuguese winger Nani, gifted the English champions their opener in a 4-1 romp Saturday lunchtime. He slipped over to hand Cristiano Ronaldo his first, then was nowhere near when the recently-crowned player-of-the-year glanced home his second. In the second-half, Neill deflected Michael Carrick's effort past goalkeeper Robert Green. Not a good afternoon's work for the man who probably has plenty of non-football related thoughts circling his mind at the moment. Neill's long-term partner Lindsey Morris is expecting twins next month, an arrival which has already played a part in throwing into chaos Pim Verbeek's Socceroos preparations for a quartet of testing June World Cup qualifiers. Verbeek revealed last week that he remains unsure of his skipper's availability for the home clashes with Iraq, in Brisbane, and China, in Sydney, plus the trips to Doha and Dubai, where the team will play the defending Asian Cup champions. It is expected Neill will demand a release from Australia's squad to return to the UK at some point during June. Making matters worse for Verbeek, who's steadily coming accept the Socceroos job for the challenging position it's become, is that incredibly Neill is one of four players with babies imminent. Derby County recruit Mile Sterjovski, Bundesliga-based striker Josh Kennedy and fringe midfielder Jacob Burns also all have partners due to give birth next month. Kennedy's absence would be another hammer blow for the diplomatic Verbeek. With Mark Viduka ruling himself out of international action this summer because of an Achilles niggle which may need an operation at the season's end, the little and large paring of Kennedy and Scott McDonald is the Dutchman's first choice striking partnership. A-League possibles John Aloisi, Archie Thompson and the rapidly-improving Bruce Djite are all under an injury cloud with Everton's attack-minded midfielder Tim Cahill another definitely sidelined after foot surgery. That leaves Verbeek staring down the most important month for the Socceroos since the World Cup two years ago without anything close to his preferred front two in place. McDonald, who wasn't even a part of Graham Arnold's Asian Cup odyssey this time last year, has suddenly found himself catapulted into the nation's consciousness because of a prolific season with Celtic. The Scottish Premier League player-of-the-year nominee has exceeded all expectations since his summer move from Motherwell and scored his 30th goal of the season against his former club over the weekend. However, with the Scottish champions-elect not finishing their campaign until May 18, McDonald looks like being precluded from Australia's May 23 warm-up match against Ghana in Sydney. Kennedy, of Karlsruher, is also still in domestic action the same day to Verbeek's dismay. Who benefits from all this toing and froing is anyone's guess. Verbeek hinted at a reprieve for Joel Griffiths after the outspoken striker peeved Socceroos coaching staff with a swipe at February opponent Qatar and was subsequently axed for the March qualifier in China. Griffiths, the reigning A-League player-of-the-year, is keeping his match sharpness through a loan spell at J-League side Avispa Fukuoka and Verbeek made a point of flying to watch him in action against Shonan Bellmare on Saturday. But it proved to be a wasted trip as the 28-year-old didn't feature - he wasn't even named on the bench - as his side slipped to a 4-0 defeat. Nimble-footed Nathan Burns is another candidate, albeit an entirely different proposition from either Viduka or Kennedy. Burns, 19, has been courting a great deal of attention from European clubs and has the added bonus of being match fit from playing fortnightly in the AFC Champions League for Adelaide United. He is considered the player most likely to be next exported to Europe, particularly with an Olympics to compete in, but might get his chance earlier than anticipated. Copyright © Marc Fox and Soccerphile.com Australian Soccer News

Tubby Brazilian Ronaldo may be one of the greatest players to ever grace a football pitch, but he’s definitely a poor role model. The AC Milan man let himself down when he invited three members of the late-night entertainment industry back to a motel. It wasn’t just the fact that they turned out to be ladyboys; he shamefully offered to pay them for doing nothing. If I pay a builder to construct a conservatory, and he brings along a few superfluous tools, I’d expect him to keep his head down and finish the job. This sorry tale was not the only case of mistaken identity this week; Rio Ferdinand kicked a female Chelsea steward after mistaking her for a wall. It sounds like a tall story, but I once kicked the wife by accident; I thought she was her mother. This is Rio’s first high profile gaffe since that moment of madness a few years ago, when he dated Emma Bunton. I will definitely be dipping in to the 7/1 for a draw between Manchester United and West Ham. Rio wasn’t the only player involved in controversy at Stamford Bridge last week; Michael Ballack and Didier Drogba almost came to blows over a free kick; they should really have got a room with Ronaldo. I can’t get my head around the 11/2 for a Newcastle win over Chelsea. The funniest moment of the match came after the final whistle, when the Manchester United players had a Benny Hill style fight with the Chelsea groundsmen. The United boys were completely out of order; Rio Ferdinand should know by now to keep off the grass. Middlesbrough are involved in a real fight, they’ll beat Portsmouth at 11/10. Rafa Benitez’s decision to wind up Didier Drogba prior to their Champion’s League semi will rightfully be filed alongside Ronaldo’s shemale escapades in the ‘what a massive rick’ category, but both are trumped by my decision to make a move on a waitress when I holidayed in Thailand. I won’t bore you with all the gruesome details, but let’s just say that she wasn’t the only one who received a large tip. I’m far more comfortable with this tip; back Liverpool to beat the imploding Manchester City at 8/11. Gareth Barry is considering a move to Liverpool as he wants to join a club that can match his ambition. Evidently his ambition is to perform adequately in Europe and never win the league. The Villa can overtake Everton for the UEFA cup spot by seeing off Wigan at 4/7. Last week was disastrous for Birmingham City. As the Blues threw away a 2-0 lead at home, Fulham were performing miracles in Manchester and Bolton were holding on for a point at White Hart Lane. Maybe there is a little truth in the gypsy’s curse; they should never have sold him to Blackburn. Fulham v Birmingham will be a cracker, I’ll explode when Fulham take the points at 5/4. Robbie Savage could definitely forge a career in the female impersonation industry once his best footballing days are behind him; somewhere in 1998. Blackburn are a far better team since they dropped the blonde deadwood; they’ll beat Derby by two or more goals at 5/6. If Reading v Tottenham produces as much action as the reverse fixture, it’ll be quite an entertaining game. Tottenham romped to a 6-4 victory at the Lane; narrowly foiling my bet on ‘no goalscorer’. Reading have deteriorated since then; they haven’t scored a goal since March and only Derby have a worse goal difference. If Tottenham don’t take all three points at 12/5, I’ll be more hurt than when I woke up in Thailand with a worse limp than Heather Mills. All the warning signs were there with that Thai waitress, she actually warned me that she’d be bringing some nuts up to the room. I thought she meant that I’d enjoy a late night snack - unfortunately, I was correct. I’m definitely right in taking a large slice of the 8/11 for an Arsenal win over Everton. I’m reminded of my Thai nightmare whenever I see Roy Keane’s infamous challenge on Alf-Inge Haaland; that was some tackle. Roy’s boys have been priced up at 11/2 against Bolton, that’s very, very big. It was quite ironic that I ended up in a compromising position with a male who looked like a female, as my wife could easily pass for a builder. Aston Villa, Blackburn, Tottenham and Arsenal form a 10/1 accer of which there can be absolutely no ambiguity. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

At one time or another, we all make a mistake of gargantuan proportions. When the wife asked for a potential destination for a short trip, I foolishly answered ‘France’. I completely forgot that the place was almost exclusively full of the French. As soon as we arrived I appreciated the gravity of my error, as the locals made absolutely no effort to speak any English. It appeared that they hadn’t been informed of our arrival. The language barrier actually led me to be being deported. I popped into a café, but I didn’t fancy eating any strange French food such as ‘frites’ or ‘saucisses’, so I helped myself to a biscuit from behind the counter. The owner went ballistic and called the police, and I was on the next plane back to England. I still feel embarrassed about being kicked out of Europe thanks to a simple ginger nut. Liverpool fans share my pain, they should console themselves with the 7/4 for a win over Birmingham. The police were on the ball over there though, unlike their English counterparts. When a French person is reported missing, their filth launch an immediate search; but the Manchester police haven’t even begun their hunt to find poor Wayne. United are winless (and goalless) on their last six visits to Stamford Bridge, I’ll struggle to find a better bet than Chelsea at 6/4. The North East of England is the one place on Earth that’s actually worse than France. The locals are equally as undecipherable, and they take up twice the room. 15/8 is absolutely massive for a Newcastle win over West Ham. The North East does have its redeeming features; it remains a Redknapp-free area. Harry’s decision to stay in Portsmouth was warmly received by the Geordie Nation, as it decreased the probability of them ever bumping into Jamie. I’m particularly thankful for the 23/10 for a draw between Portsmouth and Blackburn. Newcastle have taken a lead in the North East mini-league, which is a little bit like leading a race at the Special Olympics. Sunderland will beat Boro at 13/10 in the battle for the silver medal, but they’re all winners really. There’s a real scrap going on at the bottom of the table, and Fulham are almost certainly relegated. The chairman will most likely blame Prince Philip, MI5 and possibly MFI. I’ve put together 9/10 for a Manchester City win over the doomed Cottagers. Bolton have all the momentum in the relegation battle, but they won’t receive any favours away at Tottenham. I expect the 10/11 for a Tottenham win to last about as long as a Geordie in a beauty contest. Graeme Murty should hang his head in shame after his dying swan act led to a three match ban for Alexander Hleb. Simulation is the unacceptable face of modern day football, alongside Steve Bruce. Wigan v Reading won’t be pleasing to the eye, a draw looks the correct call at 12/5. If I was Robbie Savage, and I’m not (I’m quite good at football); I’d ask for Cesc Fabregas’ shirt after Derby’s ‘match’ against Arsenal. Such an item of memorabilia could potentially raise a tidy sum for when he upgrades his caravan. The 4/5 for Arsenal to beat Derby by two goals or more is remaining remarkably steady. I genuinely feel that Aston Villa will be right behind Arsenal at the top of the table next season - certainly in early August. The Villans are on fire in their quest to make it into Europe; they’ll eat up and spit out the Toffeemen at 23/10. To say I was happy about last week’s winning accer is an understatement; I felt like a Chelsea player after they practically booked their flight to Moscow. When Liverpool, Manchester City, Tottenham and Arsenal oblige for this week’s 10/1 accer, I’ll be happier than Ashley Cole after an invite into the cockpit. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

As a society, we’re obsessed with appearance. I blame teen magazines for perpetuating the myth that skinniness equals beauty. If I had to choose between a thin girl and a lady with a fuller figure, I’d choose the one with the better personality. Obviously, if they’re equally pleasant, then fatty’s out of luck. Men are far less uptight about how they look. Petr Cech was happy to return to work when half of his face was hanging off; he wasn’t concerned that he looked like Steve Bruce’s better looking brother. Cech was back between the sticks within no time, as he managed to borrow the necessary protection from Ashley Cole. Not many people own chin guards, but Cashley is always wary of bouncing balls. I’ll be jumping up and down when Everton beat Chelsea at 14/5. Juande Ramos believes that his players should take pride in their appearance, and has banned cakes and sweets from the canteen. I agree with Juande on this one; I’ll only consider a muffin once a year. If Wigan get their head down against Tottenham, they can take a point at 5/2. Gareth Southgate is far more relaxed with his players’ diet. In Mido and Alves, he has the fattest pair up front since a heavily pregnant Jordan. Bolton are about as pleasing to the eye as Peter Andre’s often visited partner; a relatively attractive Boro will overpower them at 11/10. Thaksin Shinawatra is taking a real gamble in considering Phil Scolari as a future coach. Big Phil once punched an annoying player at the end of a match; there’s a real chance that he might raise a fist to Ashley Cole. Pompey haven’t won away at Manchester City since 1963, I’m going in deep on Sven’s men at 11/8 to gain revenge for being tucked up on the Benjani deal. Steven Gerrard has suffered panic attacks ever since a gangster threatened to break his legs; he now collapses without warning roughly every 30 minutes. The precipitating midfielder and his pals have lost on their last two trips to the Cottage; current circumstances dictate that we back Fulham at 3/1. Arsenal’s season can be compared to putting your hand up Lily Allen’s blouse: it’s been exciting, but the end result is a disappointment. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Gunners laid a marker for next season by pounding Reading at 4/11. Paul Jewell’s move to Derby is officially the greatest mistake since I fell for the ‘I’m on the pill’ line. After a six goal humiliation at home to Aston Villa, the Rams travel to West Ham to face a side who beat them 5-0 at ‘Pride’ Park. Derby have two hopes in this one, Bob Hope and no hope; and Bob Hope’s dead. The Hammers are the weekend banker at 2/5. Many people believe that Mark Hughes will be the next manager of Manchester United. I’m not sure if Hughes is ready to succeed Sir Alex just yet, he needs to work on his referee-haranguing. I’d consider offering the position to Fergie’s son; he would soon knock them into shape. United will pile in to Blackburn at 8/13. I was shocked to receive an email suggesting that I was out of line for calling Karen Brady unattractive. I guess the old adage is true: one man’s meat is another man’s poison, unless you’re Ashley Cole. Aston Villa are one win away from their second straight double over the Brady bunch, and they’re guaranteed a goal start if Ridgewell plays. I’ve seen worse bets than the 5/6 for a Villa win; I tipped them up last week. If Freddie Shepherd is to be believed, and why wouldn’t he, the women of Newcastle are not the best looking breed. No wonder Jimmy Nail, Paul Gascoigne and Peter Beardsley left the area. It could get real ugly when the Toon Army host Sunderland; I’ll side with Newcastle at 5/6. If, like me, your partner is less than pleasing aesthetically, feel free to use my adage to help them feel a little bit better about themselves. ‘Beauty fades, but a solid ironing technique will last forever’. I’m not sure how long the 13/1 will last about this week’s accer: Arsenal, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle and Manchester City are the quite stunning selections. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I do enjoy a moral dilemma. An intellectual friend asked if I would kill a chicken to save a chicken’s life. I honestly replied that I’d happily slaughter a chicken if I missed breakfast. He went on to ask if I would ever use inside information to profit from gambling. I once again answered in all honesty that I have never been involved in such a practice; but then again, I don’t know Harry Redknapp. There is still uproar amongst the betting community whenever the controversial ‘next Portsmouth manager’ market is discussed. I must point out that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I will just say that the 11/4 for a Newcastle win over Portsmouth should be investigated further. David Bentley has admitted to being a former gambling addict. ‘Bents’, or to use his more familiar nickname, ‘the vastly overrated David Bentley’ has an addictive personality, and is currently obsessed with DIY. This did not come as a shock. Liverpool will pull off a win over Blackburn at 8/15. My wife is a stereotypical female; she doesn’t understand the offside rule. She thinks that a player should be penalised if he receives the ball in an offside position, even if the last touch comes off a defender - as long as the attacking side intended to play the fall forward to the player in the advanced position in the first phase of play. What a doughnut. The betting proposition between Derby and Aston Villa is also perfectly clear: the Villa win at 8/13. I was quite shocked to read that a male is due to give birth. I just hope that Frank drops it in time for Chelsea’s game against Wigan. Bookmakers have delivered 1/4 for a Chelsea win - I shall be babysitting. West Ham were once embroiled in a betting furore when Paul Kitson kicked the ball straight into touch from the kick-off. Harry Redknapp was the manager of West Ham at the time, but there is no evidence to suggest that he was involved in a spread betting scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I prefer to believe that Paul Kitson is just not a good passer of a ball, like the Bolton players. The Hammers will add a final nail to Bolton’s Premier League coffin at 13/5. When injury-prone C-list-celebrity romancer Jonathan Woodgate labelled Juande Ramos a ‘proper manager’, it would be safe to assume that he was having a sly dig at Gareth Southgate. Ramos may edge Southgate in experience, but how many pizza adverts has he starred in? I shall be topping up on the 9/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Tottenham. Alex McLeish is a frustrated thespian; he wishes his players luck before each match by saying “Break a leg”. Damien Johnson is the latest player to see red for a career-threatener; Everton will punish the weakened Brummies at 6/4. Emotions always run high when Arsenal meet Manchester United, but that does not excuse the food-fight that broke out after a particularly fiery encounter. Such actions are morally reprehensible when there are starving children in this world; I can’t even begin to imagine what Dawn French’s kids were thinking. I’ll make a small donation to the needy when Arsenal beat Manchester United at 4/1. Manchester City have been heavily linked with Ronaldinho, but I remain sceptical. It reminds me of the time when Birmingham City were linked with Maradona, but he turned the move down as his two-footed over-the-top tackle was lightweight at best. We should all get stuck in to the 6/5 for a Sunderland win over Manchester City. People have been emailing me to ask if I know the identity of the player who allegedly had a £50,000 gambling debt written off in exchange for getting himself sent off. I honestly have no idea who this player is, I just know that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I am reasonably sure about the value in taking even money for a Reading win over Fulham. In a week where the morality of football has been questioned, the filth have now arrested senior figures at Birmingham City. At the time of writing, no charges have been filed, but it’s expected that David Sullivan will be charged with ‘outraging public decency’, presumably for allowing Karen Brady to enter the public arena. I’ll be outraged if Aston Villa, Sunderland, Newcastle and Chelsea fail to land an incorruptible 15/1 accer. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

The adult film industry has many knockers, but I remain a fully-fledged supporter. My only possible critique would be that the storylines occasionally lack realism. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was with my job as a photocopier repair man. My wife is a fierce critic of the genre as she incorrectly believes that the art form demeans women. Personally, I think it’s a positive when a hobby becomes an occupation; I would love to get paid for sending nude photographs of myself to Cheryl Tweedy. I’ll have to finance my pastime by backing Portsmouth at 10/11 to beat West Brom in their FA Cup semi-final. My favourite sub-genre of the adult entertainment industry is the one when two ladies take a spiritual road to self-discovery. There are things I’d rather not see though, and watching Barnsley play Cardiff is the equivalent of watching Lisa Riley tinker with Jade Goody. Cardiff will probably win their semi at 11/8, but I’d rather watch something a little more uplifting. Robbie Savage has all the attributes needed to launch a career in exotic films. He’s blonde, he breathes heavily for 90 minutes and he never needs a second invitation to go down. I can’t see the Derby man getting any satisfaction from Everton; the Toffeemen are the weekend banker at 2/7. Roy Keane has always enjoyed a ruck, but he may be punching above his weight by labelling Sir Alex Ferguson ‘a hypocrite’. Admittedly, he never mentioned Fergie by name, but it couldn’t have been more obvious unless he used the term ‘purple-nose’. Fulham can momentarily quieten the fiery Irishman at 11/8. Manchester City have gone backwards since they signed Benjani. To be fair to Sven, he tried everything in his power to get out of the deal; he said he’d accept Benni McCarthy, Benayoun or Benny from Crossroads as a compromise, but it was all to no avail. Chelsea will take full advantage of Sven’s massive rick at 4/5. Mike Ashley has reportedly lost £129m gambling on financial markets; he’s probably regretting following me in on last week’s bets. I’m having £2 on Newcastle to beat Reading at 4/5. The world and his dog are singing the praises of Cristiano Ronaldo, but Middlesbrough fans are a little more hesitant - all three of them believe that he’s a diver. I nearly collapsed when I saw 15/2 next to a Boro win over Manchester United. Steve Bruce will do everything in his power to send Birmingham down when Wigan face his former side on Saturday. I have nothing but admiration for Bruce’s stance, you should always finish a job that you start. Wigan may have to settle for a point at 23/10. I was stunned when Tottenham’s defences were breached on numerous occasions by Newcastle last week. It was just like a scene from my favourite movie, ‘Snatch’. I have a feeling that Tottenham may already be on their summer break; Blackburn can take full advantage at 6/4. El Hadji Diouf would never make it in the world of erotic film - he’s a spitter. I had to swallow on several occasions when I saw 8/11 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton. They say that good things come in threes, and I’m a huge fan of the ‘Rod-Farther Trilogy’. Arsenal are a confident shout at 6/5 to win the second part of their triple-header against Liverpool, unless the referee is Dirk Kuyt’s neighbour. It’s now reached the stage where my wife has forced me to choose between her and my collection of adult art; so i’m on the lookout for a new dishwasher. Portsmouth, Arsenal, Chelsea and Newcastle form an 11/1 accer that will bring in the necessary funds. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Marriage is like a chicken vindaloo, it’s something you have to try at least once, even though you know you’ll later regret it. I experienced my seven-year itch quite early, it was on the honeymoon. Fortunately, my wandering eye didn’t lead to an act of betrayal, although I put that down to the fact that the barmaid was almost certainly a button-flicker. If newspaper reports are to be believed, Paul Jewell has allegedly been getting his bread sliced at a different bakery. We can all come into a little dough when Fulham beat Derby at 7/5. Cristiano Ronaldo has also ‘entertained’ a string of women over the past year, which probably explains why Sir Alex is demanding extra protection. I’ve been told that Ronaldo also has a large gay following; I can only assume that Cheryl has been overdoing it with the chip pan. Man U have won their last 13 matches against Aston Villa, I’ll happily tuck into the 1/3 for another United win. Javier Mascherano will miss the Merseyside derby after a ridiculous sending-off against Manchester United last week. If we start dismissing players just for being annoying, Chelsea would have to play every game with eight men. Everton haven’t won at Anfield this millennium, I’ll be seeing red if Liverpool slip up at 4/5. A lack of respect for the referee is currently a hot topic, but it’s going to be OK - Ian Wright has a four-step plan. I’ve solved the conundrum that is Chelsea v Middlesbrough; get on the baiters at 1/3. Birmingham City are at the heart of a corruption investigation, presumably for buying Liam Ridgewell. Manchester City have come out on top on their last four meetings with the troubled Blues; it’ll be a scandal if Sven’s men don’t take all three points at 9/4. Gael Clichy is a lot like Ashley Cole. After tangling with Mido, the Arsenal full-back was left with an unwanted gash. I’ll be half-cut when Arsenal bounce back against Bolton at 4/5. After using flimsy excuses for arriving late at training, Liam Miller has been placed on the transfer list. Roy Keane quipped, “Don’t get in a car with Liam, because he has more car crashes than anyone I know.” Paul Jewell won’t find jokes about car accidents very amusing; his Mercedes was involved in a rear-ender. West Ham can dent Sunderland’s survival bid by taking a point at 23/10. Emile Heskey has scored one goal in the last seven months, which is something of a purple patch for the clumsy striker. The big man is like Ashley Cole, he lacks confidence in the box. I’m more than comfortable with the 4/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan. Shane Long may be on his way out of Reading. The surly striker is unhappy with being fined a week’s wages for throwing his shirt at his manager; it would have been a lot worse if Ashley Cole hadn’t quickly picked it up. I refuse to turn my back on the 6/4 for a Reading win over Blackburn. If Tottenham do sell Berbatov in the summer, they should move to sign Ashley Cole and Shane Long. I believe Ashley would definitely be interested if Ramos promised to play three up front - especially if they’re Long, Bent and Keane. I’ll be riding the Tottenham train at 7/10 against Newcastle. Like Ashley Cole and Paul Jewell, I have often been tempted by the fruit of another, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s like the old saying: why go out for a burger, when you’ve got a fat cow at home. Arsenal, Fulham, Tottenham and Liverpool form a sure-fire 11/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to reconsider my position. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com