When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give. I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that i agreed to pay £10 a month towards the campaign, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up. Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage. Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie incredibly rang him up to arrange a meet where they could ‘discuss it’ further. Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox. Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation, and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem. An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty. Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion will not be an issue. Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling. I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby. Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4. Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give ‘the Neville brothers’ about the historical competition. Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again. That’s two hits. Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova. 1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing. Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup and the Cup Winners Cup. I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City. If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.” I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham. Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations, they’re literally down to the bare bones. Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8. The early money in the ‘next Newcastle manager’ market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a non-believer, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65 and I have no intention of closing my position. If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit. I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4. Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week. I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea. Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff. People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait. If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Ignorance is not necessarily bliss. I’ve recently discovered that binge drinking can lead to long-term health problems, such as crabs and Chlamydia. The arrival of a new year offers me the opportunity to reflect upon my previous excess and resolve to make a significant change. I have made a solemn pledge to drink no more than the next man; as long as the man next to me is Joey Barton. I hope that Joey has used his time in custody productively, and has questioned the wisdom of some of his earlier decisions. He should never have taken tips on dining etiquette from Lee Bowyer. A source close to Sam Allardyce has told me that Nicky Butt is extremely disappointed in his teammate’s behaviour, and will be having a quiet little word in his ear to remind him of his responsibilities. Just when Joey thought things couldn’t get any worse, he now has a sore Butt to contend with. I’ll happily pounce on the 11/8 for a Newcastle win over Stoke. Lee Hughes can empathise with the Barton situation, as he has also returned to football after completing a stretch. “I was touching my toes every night,” bragged the ginger fitness fanatic. Many people were disappointed with Oldham’s decision to employ Hughes on his release, but Andy Johnson remains fully supportive; he’s even promised to make an ‘A’ sign if he scores a goal. Everton will run over an outclassed Oldham at 1/4. Manchester United supporters always enjoy their trip to the midlands for their traditional FA Cup 3rd round meeting with Aston Villa. Not only have they saw their team emerge victorious on each of their last eight visits, it’s also a shorter journey than they’re accustomed to. I’m absolutely overjoyed with the prospect of 10/11 for another Manchester United win. Steve Bruce compared purchasing players in January to buying puppies at Christmas, “You have to make sure it's long term and for the right reasons,” lectured the pugnacious manager. I’ll definitely be getting my hands on a couple of puppies if Sunderland end Wigan’s campaign at 5/4. An apoplectic Juande Ramos threatened to completely dismantle the Spurs team after they lost to Aston Villa in midweek. I fully expect to see a superhuman effort from the Tottenham players after the manager’s tirade. They can be heroes, just for Juande. Tottenham will repeat last week’s victory over Reading at 8/15. Freddie Ljungberg is still suffering from migraines. My wife can totally sympathise with the Swede, she’s had a recurring headache for five years. I will be getting my hands on the 6/4 for a West Ham win over Manchester City. Mark Hughes appears to be willing to release Robbie Savage. The Blackburn manager stated that Robbie ‘doesn't take not playing very well’ and added that Savage was ‘frustrated’. That’s just a fancy way of confirming what we already suspected. I’ll be furiously pounding the 2/5 for a Blackburn win over Coventry. Coventry could do with a decent cup run, as they still face the threat of liquidation. That must be one big blender. Burnley face an absolute shoeing at the hands of Arsenal, I’m taking an involvement at 2/5. QPR have some serious financial clout in the boardroom. Lakshmi Mittal could buy and sell Roman Abramovich like a cheap blonde, although Mark Hughes is now attempting to flood the market. Backing Chelsea to beat QPR at 1/6 will lead to small economic growth. The ‘romance of the cup’ may be a cliché, but I genuinely fancy Sheffield Wednesday to pull off an upset against Derby at 7/2. In fact, it will be more of a shock if they don’t. Incredibly, I was once accused of being unromantic. This allegation is a complete fabrication. Even when drinking heavily, i’ll always pay for a lady’s kebab before introducing her to the little G. If Tottenham, West Ham, Arsenal and Newcastle land a 10/1 weekend accer, I’ll even consider throwing in a small chips. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

The wife and I are similar in many ways, but we disagree on the most prudent way to discipline children. Betty is from the old-school, and believes a small slap is perfectly acceptable. I take the opposite view, and prefer the use of a knuckle-duster. Such actions would not be necessary if it wasn’t for our children being led astray by poor role-models, such as Premier League footballers. Even fully grown men occasionally follow their contentious lead; just last Tuesday I enjoyed a lunchtime roast. It’s not just the off-field antics that leave a nasty taste in the mouth; the game is still riddled with simulation. There appears to be a growing number of players who embrace the turf more than Jodie Foster. Peter Crouch tried to point the finger at foreign players after trying to dissect Jon Obi Mikel. As Crouch launched into his astonishing tirade, a sheepish Steven Gerrard kept his head down in the background. I hope that Stevie steps up when Liverpool play Manchester City; I’m hitting the Reds at 11/10. Luckily, some players are willing to change. Ashley Young may have been guilty of going down easily in the past, but I have it on good authority that he plans to get a grip of himself over the coming months. The inspirational Young will lead Aston Villa to victory over Wigan at 7/5. Arsene Wenger’s decision to release Ashley Cole was truly inspired. Arsenal’s new left-back has been a revelation this season, but I disagree with his assertion that players need a winter break. That’s just a tired cliché. The 6/5 for an Arsenal win over Everton should be on everybody’s lips. David Sullivan has claimed that the departure of Steve Bruce was “the best thing that has ever happened to Birmingham City.” He’s obviously forgotten about the glorious Auto Windscreens Shield campaign of 1995. The Blues can crack a managerless Fulham at 10/11. Sol Campbell does not appreciate terrace banter. The big man has asked for intervention from the FA, the PFA, and somewhat optimistically, the government. I just can’t see Gordon Brown introducing a ministry for the concerns of the slightly deranged. Portsmouth are unbeaten against Boro in their last 10 meets: I’d rather listen to a repeat of the Queen’s speech than miss the 7/10 for a Pompey win. I try to stay away from the political arena as a rule, but there is something seriously amiss in this country when the likable Al Bangura is threatened with deportation, yet the campaign to remove Robbie Savage is ignored by the suits in Westminster. The 10/11 for a Blackburn win against the luckless Derby is equally perplexing. Roy Keane has been linked with a move for Robbie Savage in the January window. I’m pleased that the Irishman hasn’t allowed Sunderland’s perilous position to affect his sense of humour. I’ll be laughing like Peter Beardsley’s photographer when I take the 6/4 for a Sunderland win over Bolton. Jermain Defoe remains understandably unhappy with his prolonged spell on the bench, as he has to keep a continual eye out for a drunken Alan Davies. Tottenham are firing on all cylinders, I’ll happily take a bite out of the 4/7 for a Spurs win against a floundering Reading. Wayne Rooney allegedly made a few risqué suggestions to a Daily Mirror reporter at Manchester United’s controversial Christmas bash. A stunned Mr McGovern was forced to make his excuses and leave. I won’t be knocking back the 3/1 for a draw between West Ham and Manchester United. Chelsea have been leaking goals since John Terry met with Emmanuel Eboue’s studs of immediate justice; but they face a Newcastle side who remain impotent on the road. We should all rise to welcome the 4/9 for a Chelsea win. Alex can consider himself fortunate to be JT’s replacement. The Brazilian could stand back-to-back with Frank Lampard and form a perfect circle. Portsmouth, Tottenham, Arsenal and Liverpool form a 10/1 accer that is the literal definition of perfection. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I remain a slave to tradition. Every year, I make a complete fool of myself at the office Christmas party, and this year was no exception. After consuming a few too many ales, I made a misguided play for the cleaner under the mistletoe. He was absolutely livid. My luck is unlikely to improve over the holidays. The wife has invited her mother and her sister to Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho. I refuse to wallow in self pity though, as there are children in this world who live in near poverty. In a completely selfless gesture on my part, I’ve bought myself a new pair of trainers to reward their strong work ethic. In an uncharacteristic piece of good fortune, I’ve been spared the expense of weighing in for gifts for my own kids. As Blackburn fought back to 2-2 against Arsenal in midweek, the little ones overheard me say that Santa was literally on fire. I’m investing the savings on a Blackburn win over Chelsea at 7/2. The most annoying aspect of the ‘festive’ period is probably the repetitive advertisements. Ian Wright looked to have won the award for the most grating commercial, until Jamie Redknapp and Tim Lovejoy formed an unstoppable axis of evil. I’ve disgracefully found myself singing along to that awful ad that accuses Reo-Coker of buying knock-off DVDs. Such a practise is reprehensible: you can download movies for free off the internet. 11/10 for a Villa win over Manchester City is another spectacular giveaway. Michael Owen must be a happy man after Manchester City declared an interest in his services. The miniscule hitman has suffered more than his fair share of injuries throughout his career, and under Sam Allardyce, a strained neck is almost inevitable. I’m hardly sticking my neck out by suggesting a Newcastle win over Derby at 2/5. Tottenham and Arsenal do not get along. The animosity was born in 1913 when Arsenal invaded their territory, and tensions rose further when the Gunners replaced them in the top flight after a ballot in 1919. The relationship between the two clubs completely deteriorated in 2007, when Alan Davies tried to eat Chas and Dave for resembling the homeless. I’m putting my house on a draw between the fierce rivals at 3/1. When Gary Megson arrived at Bolton, he had a 1.7% approval rate, and there was a 2% margin for error. The people of Bolton are warming to the ginger Mourinho; he can turn the screw on Birmingham at even money. Alan Curbishley is worried that Anton Ferdinand is in danger of embracing a pop-star culture. The West Ham boss has nothing to worry about; all pop-stars are good-lookers, with the exception of Lily Allen. I’ll be happy to get on the 23/10 for a draw between Middlesbrough and West Ham. I felt sorry for Steve Bennett as he had to face Roy Keane after ruling out a legitimate Sunderland winner last week. I’d sooner go into a tunnel with Henri Paul than the volatile Irishman. I’ll be absolutely smashed when Reading oblige at even money against Sunderland. Manchester United are way too short at 4/9 for the visit of Everton. The Moyes Boys are on a 12 match unbeaten run, and they’ve left Old Trafford with a point on two of their last three trips. The Toffeemen are available at 9/4 to avoid defeat, which has left me as excited as Wayne Rooney on ‘Gran Slam Sunday’. These cold mornings are absolutely killing me. The wife nicked my toast this morning, which was bordering on an absolute liberty. Ronaldo can empathise with my situation, as Marcus Bent has reportedly been playing with his porridge. I’ve got the oats to get my cash down on a Fulham win over Wigan at 23/20. Christmas is especially hard on little orphan children. It’s perfectly understandable that the more vulnerable will struggle to adapt to a strange new home at this time of year, and some will even consider running away. I heard reports just last weekend that a young Spanish lad went missing in Liverpool. Fernando will mark his return by sleighing Pompey at 4/7. I’m all for enjoying the excesses of the festive period, but I also take the time to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas. To those with faith, he was a saviour; but he suffered on the cross. I just hope he lets a few more in for Pompey this weekend. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Bolton, Reading and Newcastle form a nailed-on Christmas accer at a perfectly pious 15/1. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

I’m all for good-natured banter at a football match, but supporters are beginning to overstep the line. Harry Redknapp commands respect from all the major players in the game, such as Frank Lampard and Jamie Redknapp, yet the colourful manager endured a torrent of vitriolic abuse when Portsmouth travelled to Aston Villa. As the match slipped away from the Villans, the Holte End outrageously suggested that Harry had bunged the referee. That accusation is entirely without foundation: Harry prefers goods inwards to despatch. The Villa fans went on to intimate that Harry enjoys the occasional stroke of the pink puppy. I wouldn’t criticise Redknapp even if this was true, as it’s an understandable reaction after Jamie. A minority of supporters then disgracefully claimed that Harry would soon be behind bars, partaking in certain activities in the shower area. Not only does this slur completely contradict their earlier insinuation; it’s also downright offensive, and Harry will not be taking this lying down. We’ll all have red cheeks if we miss the 5/2 for a Tottenham win over Pompey. The travelling Villa supporters will hopefully show a little more restraint when around Roy Keane, as his preferred method of conflict resolution does not involve complaining to selected media outlets. I’m spreading the word that 9/4 for a draw between Sunderland and the Villa looks pretty tasty. When it comes to speaking to the BBC, Sam Allardyce is also a total blanker. The Beeb fought back on last week’s Match of the Day; they comically photoshopped a ridiculous woolly hat on his oversized head. I can’t wait to get my hands on the mammoth 6/4 for a Fulham win over Newcastle. Team news is probably the single most important factor in betting, after recent form or a nod from Kieren Fallon, so I’ll wait for updates on Hleb, Flamini and Fabregas before taking an interest in the Arsenal v Chelsea match. Four of the last six Premier League meetings between the two giants have finished all square, so I’ll tentatively look towards the 9/4 for a draw at this early stage. Birmingham City will definitely have to strengthen their squad in January, and with Alex McLeish at the helm, I expect there to be a strong Scottish connection. Two names that immediately spring to mind are Miller and Becks. There is a player nicknamed ‘Woodpecker’ who McLeish would love to sign, but he’s tied up at Chelsea. I’m definitely attached to the 5/4 for a Birmingham win over Reading. Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. I’m praying the Boro will produce their A-game against the outclassed Derby at a larger than expected 7/5. Lee Bowyer is on the verge of a return to action after recovering from Gilmore’s groin. It was a genuine surprise to me; I thought he just had a tear of the adductor muscles. People should be falling over themselves to get on 15/8 for an Everton win over West Ham. Dressing-room dissent is on the rise at Wigan. One senior player is already on Steve Bruce’s back, and that’s not a position I would like to see anyone in. The player, who wishes to remain anonymous, has suggested that Bruce is a long-ball merchant. Paul Scharner continued, “If we don't change to playing football, then it will be very difficult.” The only thing attractive at the JJB this weekend is the 11/8 for a Blackburn win. I watched in horror last weekend as Stephen Ireland committed what can only be described as a heinous crime: he appeared to be wearing a wig. Call me old fashioned, but toupees are only acceptable for the bald and the ginger. Let’s be honest, if Ireland is using a piece, and it remains conjecture at this stage, it doesn’t make him any less of a man. Only wearing a pink jumper on a night out will result in any long-term loss of man-points. Bolton have won their last three at Manchester City, winning them all ‘to nil’. I refuse to cover up my interest in Megson’s men at 4/1. Life is full of little coincidences. As Steven Gerrard was throwing himself to the ground in Marseille, his wife was getting turned over at home. There was also a burglary. I’m helping myself to the 13/8 for a Liverpool win over Manchester United. I hope Stevie can recover from the trauma, as I need the influential Scouser to win the ‘battle of the inner-ear infections’ against Ronaldo to land the weekend accer. Birmingham, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Liverpool are the selections, the payout is an increasingly plummeting 45/1. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

A great book does not necessarily make a great movie. Catch 22 is probably the seminal piece of literature of the twentieth century (if we choose to overlook Derek McGovern on Sports Betting); yet the film was a major disappointment. Somewhat conversely, I found George Orwell’s tale of Soviet totalitarianism quite heavy going, but I must have watched Animal Farm 17 times. One story that is absolutely crying out for the transfer to celluloid is the life and times of Harry Redknapp. Harry has unrealistically named Ray Winstone as an ideal candidate to play the leading role; i’d have cast Timothy Spall. I have it on good authority that Spall would consider any offer, so I’m knocking up a script entitled ‘The buying, the twitch and the hoard probe.’ Harry is still understandably seething after the police raided his home at the crack of dawn. Harry can consider himself fortunate that it wasn’t the West Midlands filth who were on the case, as he’d probably have been charged with 47 crimes. I feel like I’m stitching up the bookmakers by taking 6/5 for a Villa win over Pompey. I was a little perturbed when I read that the Liverpool supporters were right behind Rafa Benitez; I thought it was a prelude to a carjacking. Fernando Torres has already bagged a hat-trick at the Madejski this season; the Spanish sensation can lead the Pool to another win over Reading at 8/11. Steve Gibson should accept some responsibility for the dire state of English football. If the imperturbable chairman had the nouse to sack floundering managers at the appropriate juncture, the England supporters would be packing their balaclavas next summer. Gibson is once again supporting an incompetent incumbent: Arsenal will hammer home the message at 8/15. I couldn’t understand the furore surrounding Robbie Keane’s dismissal against Birmingham last week. For me, there’s nothing wrong with ‘4th official consultation’, or ‘Dowd syndrome’ as it will hopefully be labelled. Manchester City have lost their last three matches at White Hart Lane and Elano is a serious doubt: 6/5 for Spurs is practically a gift. Everton are a confident call at home to the travelsick Fulham. The Cottagers have never won a league match at Goodison Park in their history, and their six Premier League visits have earned them a total of zero points. I’d sooner leave my grandmother unsupervised with Wayne Rooney than miss out on the Toffeemen at 3/5. David Bentley has been likened to David Beckham. I’ve been left completely flummoxed by this comparison; i can only assume he has a girlfriend who can’t sing. I’ll be screaming like a bint if West Ham hold Blackburn to a draw at 11/4. Apparently, prison holds no fear for Joey Barton; I guess he’s looking forward to the family reunion. I’m embracing the 10/11 for a Newcastle win over Birmingham like a long-lost law-abiding brother. Wigan are in a real fight at the wrong end of the table, which may explain why they appointed a manager who looks like he’s gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Wigan have now gone 12 matches without a win; I’ll be punching the bag if Bolton fail to land the spoils at 11/10. If Manchester United v Derby was a boxing match, it would never get sanctioned; unless it was a Frank Warren promotion. Fergie is always up for the fight; I just hope his Dad can follow his lead. I’ll get a few rounds in after United slam the Rams at 1/7. When Ashley Cole retires from football, he should consider a career in the fight game. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to see the combative defender end up in the ring. I’d advise Frank Lampard against considering pugilism though; he’d struggle to find an opponent in his weight class. You won’t have to wait too long for a return if you take 1/5 for a Chelsea win over Sunderland. I believe Ricky Hatton can emerge victorious from his mega-fight with Floyd Mayweather. Ricky has the skill, the belief, the intensity and the heart, and even more importantly, the most talked about hook since Abu Hamza. The ‘Pretty Boy’ has an impressive record, but he struggles when opponents bring the fight to him; and Ricky will be all over him like the old bill on Harry Redknapp. For me, this is a 60/40 fight; making 9/5 about the Hitman particularly agreeable. I had quite a respectable record when I used to fight at junior school. I remember beating up the toughest kid in Year 6: that’ll teach him for questioning last week’s accumulator. Aston Villa, Newcastle, Bolton and Tottenham form a 15/1 accer that will land a knockout blow to the bookies. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Sigmund Freud was nothing but a hairy quack. My cantankerous nature is not the result of a repressed Oedipus complex; I only feel hostility towards my father because he’s really annoying. Before senility kicked in, the old fellow would try in vain to act cool around my friends. I genuinely sympathise with anyone who has had to endure a similar ordeal; so naturally I have plenty of time for Shaun Wright-Phillips. I must defend Shaun after allegations that he left a female guest in tears at his recent birthday bash. It’s been reported that the young lady broke down when Wright-Phillips allegedly snatched her camera. All she had to do was hold it up in the air.

I’ve never really saw the point in children. I can appreciate their usefulness when they’re big enough to nip down to the off-license, but I’m not sure if that justifies the £10 a year it costs to clothe them. My little Goliath has been playing up recently. The wife has the cheek to say he takes after his father, although that does boil down to guesswork on her part. I’ve gone out of my way to try and bond with the lad in an attempt to curb his misbehaviour. I even tried to connect with my feminine side; but I had to call it a day when my phone bill went through the roof.

The wife is easily influenced by the mainstream media. Ever since the BBC first aired ‘Heroes’, she believes she has supernatural abilities. I’ve tried to explain that ‘sensing’ I’m not in a romantic mood does not equate to a ‘power’; she’s merely deduced that I haven’t been drinking heavily. I, however, have a genuine gift. I can make kitchen appliances spring to life just by talking to them. Just last night, I switched the oven on by staring it and growling, “Cook…Cook now…Cook now or else.” It was a pressure cooker. Tal Ben-Haim definitely has a unique ability, he can run in slow motion in real time. The plodding defender will become a bona fide English hero if Israel snatch a result against Russia.

Advertisements rarely reflect real life. Take the long-running advert where an irritating couple attempt to arrange a £25,000 loan. When the bint turns to her slow-witted spouse and asks, “How much do we want to borrow again?” midway through the negotiations, the so-called male doesn’t even attempt to administer the appropriate response to her fundamental lack of preparation. The ending is also a complete fabrication. When she says, “Josh, Dad’s found your scooter,” it breaks off before she can add, “He’s going to need it now he has to sell his car to allow us to meet the crippling repayments that will burden us until we welcome death like a long-lost relative.”