World Cup 2010 Soccer News - premiership

Andy Greeves' 08/09 Premiership Predictions

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:51:39 +0000

1- Chelsea Having lost the Champions League Final on penalties and been pipped to the Premiership title by just two points, Chelsea were the ultimate bridesmaid last season.After a summer to lick their wounds, the Blues will come back stronger in 08/09. With Luiz Felipe Scolari now at the helm and having captured Deco and Jose Bosingwa this summer, Chelsea have what it takes to beat United to the league title this time around. The Stamford Bridge club have achieved a massive victory in maintaining Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba, even if its only for another year. Time in which to win a league title. 2 -Manchester United United are likely to be without Ronaldo for August and September, meaning their star winger will miss trips to Liverpool (13 Sept) and Chelsea (21 Sept). Two games that could well be make or break to United’s season. Even when he’s not playing, the Portuguese star is bound to be the key topic of conversation. Can he possibly deliver as greatly as he did last campaign? Will he still have the desire to achieve with United, having seen his dream move to Madrid deteriorate? Following last season’s Champions League and Premiership double success, Fergie’s men start the new campaign firm favourites to win the league again. But Chelsea have what it takes to win the crucial head-to-head clashes between the two heavyweights this time around, meaning United will have to settle for a close second place finish. 3 - Liverpool The pressure will be on for Rafa Benitez to see his Liverpool side close the gap on the top two this season having finished eleven points behind United and nine points off Chelsea in 07/08. The signing of Robbie Keane will prove crucial in running both clubs closer in the title chase and possibly breaking the top two stranglehold before long. United and Chelsea still boast stronger line-ups and strength in depth and for that reason , Liverpool will have to make to with third spot this season with the promise of better to come. Success in the Champions League or domestic cups is a strong possibility. 4 - Arsenal Having lost Thierry Henry last summer, many foresaw the wheels coming off the Arsenal wagon. With Arsene Wenger at the helm though, those people should have thought twice. On song, Arsenal still play the most attractive, free-flowing football in the division. But that’s not to say the Gunners always personify the beautiful game. Cesc Fabregas had a massive downturn in form at the back end of last campaign and William Gallas’ displays of petulance brought widespread condemnation. Samir Nasri should prove a more than adequate replacement for the overrated Aleksandr Hleb, while Aaron Ramsey is a great buy for the future. Had Arsenal the funds to compete in the transfer market with Chelsea and United, then one wonders what team Arsene Wenger would be capable of putting together. That’s for the Emirates dreamers to speculate, as they finish off the title charge again this season. 5 – Tottenham Having been strongly tipped to break into the top four last season, Tottenham flattered to deceive with a mid-table finish. But with Juande Ramos in charge for his first full season at White Hart Lane, such disappointment won’t be repeated. Boasting players such as Heurelho Gomes, Jonathan Woodgate, Ledley King, David Bentley, Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Spurs have the strongest squad outside the top four. While Robbie Keane (and possibly Dimitar Berbatov’s) departure from N17 was a big blow for Spurs, they have personal elsewhere on the pitch to compensate for this. 6 - Portsmouth In Defoe and Crouch, Portsmouth have the best strike force outside of the top four. Having won the FA Cup last season, the pair can fire Pompey to becoming a member of the top six in English football. Due to lack of strength in depth at Fratton Park, Harry Redknapp may find it difficult to juggle his players to fulfil the commitments of playing European football and competing in the league. Priority is therefore likely to be given to their domestic campaign. Home form must be improved upon last season to make a top six finish a reality. 7 - Aston Villa Having been plagued with the Gareth Barry, will he, won the go to Liverpool saga all summer, Aston Villa will just be looking forward to getting on with playing. The amount of English players in Martin O’Neill’s side is highly pleasing to see and Luke Young, Steven Sidwell and Nicky Shorey should complement their squad well. Ashley Young was one of the league’s best players last season and Gabriel Agbonlahor has the ability to net more goals than he did last campaign. Like Portsmouth, Villa are very much a club going in the right direction. 8 - Blackburn Rovers The loss of David Bentley to Tottenham will prove highly significant, given the supply he provided the likes of Roque Santa Cruz and Benni McCarthy last season. Paul Ince has everything to prove as a manager and his signings of Robbie Fowler and Carlos Villanueva don’t look particularly wise moves on paper. That said, Paul Robinson could prove a highly shrewd investment if he can recover his form and confidence. With goals harder to come by at Ewood Park this season, Blackburn will yet again miss out on UEFA Cup qualification. 9 - Everton With the departure of Andy Johnson and the lack of transfer activity in the summer, the Toffees are set to lose their grip on the Premiership’s top six this campaign. While there is quality across the pitch in the likes of Yobo, Lescott, Arteta, Neville and Cahill, the lack of a recognised front pairing will be their undoing this campaign. Yakubu will need to improve his hall of 13 league goals from last season, while David Moyes will need to identify a new striking partner. 10 – Fulham The west Londoners have been busy in this summer’s transfer window and have the players capable of becoming this season’s surprise success story. Andy Johnson and Bobby Zamora should form a prolific partnership upfront, boosted by the supply of Zoltan Gera, Simon Davies, Danny Murphy and Jimmy Bullard. Defensively they don’t look so impressive but it was attacking endeavour that brought Fulham so much success in the second part of the last campaign. Craven Cottage will be an enjoyable place watch high scoring, end-to-end football this season. 11 – Manchester City Poor old Sven Goran Eriksson was sacked after leading City to ninth in the Premiership - an improvement of five places on the previous season. What more can a manage do to please his chairman? Mark Hughes is an excellent manager, but with the controversial former Thai Prime Minister and club owner Thaksin Shinawatra increasingly medalling in team affairs, his position could become compromised. Recent media speculation has suggested Hughes already feels unsettled by communication difficulties between him and his board. Jo is capable of scoring 20 Premiership goals in his first season and in Micah Richards, City have one of the best defenders in England. But with lack of harmony behind the scenes, that will translate on to the pitch. 12 – Sunderland The Mackem’s spent £40m last season to ensure Premiership survival. Having finished three points and three places above the dreaded drop zone, it proved to be money well spent. Roy Keane has had another busy summer wheeling and dealing to help his side continue their progress this season. Steed Malbranque and Teemu Tainio will greatly improve Sunderland’s midfield, while El-Hadji Diouf increases their goal scoring potential. Pascal Chimbonda also brings a wealth of experience, if a not slightly questionable attitude, to the Stadium of Light. Sunderland are a way from becoming a top ten side, but a significant improvement on last season’s league position awaits this campaign. 13 - Newcastle United Like any great soap opera, Newcastle United are never more than a couple of weeks away from chaotic storyline. The Magpies uncanny ability to shoot themselves in the foot was evident throughout last season with only relegated sides Reading and Derby conceding more goals than them. Fabricio Coloccini has been brought in to try and shore things up at the back. Whether he can make a significant difference to the goals against tally remains to be seen. But at least he’s better than the hapless Claudio Cacapa. Damien Duff, Nicky Butt and Alan Smith are just some of the big name underachievers in Newcastle’s squad. The biggest questions are, can Kevin Keegan get the out of his players? And will the boss stick around if the going gets tough? 14 - West Ham United Expectation always exceeds reality at Upton Park and this season will prove to be no different. Having finished tenth with injury ravished squad last campaign, West Ham fans probably expect a challenge for a UEFA Cup spot with a fully fit side. But even with a full strength squad to select from, there are so many better equipped teams than West Ham. While the likes of Tottenham, Manchester City, Portsmouth and Fulham have seriously invested in their squads this summer, the Hammers have spent modestly. Behrami looked decidedly average at Euro 2008, Jan Lastuvka failed to impress on loan with Fulham, while Balint Bajner and Orn Eyjolfsson have never played in a top league. A tough campaign awaits for Alan Curbishley, who is already the bookies favourite to be the first managerial casualty of the season. 15 - Wigan Athletic Small crowds and average players make Wigan one of the most unfashionable clubs in the Premiership. But going into their forth season in the top flight, nobody at the JJB Stadium is particularly concerned about their image. Steve Bruce has made some good signings during the summer, with Oliver Kapo capable of bring flair to a midfielder of tough tacklers. £3.5m youngster Lee Cattermole also represents value for money. Marlon King and Emile Heskey give Wigan a cutting edge upfront that the new boys along with Bolton and Middlesbrough lack. For that reason alone they should be safe come April. 16 - Bolton Wanderers Top ten finishes and forays into Europe seem a distant memory for Bolton post Sam Allardyce. Nowadays it’s all about survival. Cult heroes El-Hadji Diouf and Ivan Campo left the Reebok during the summer and their replacements look suspiciously second rate. £10m striker Johan Elmander failed to score, or make any sort of impact for Sweden in Euro 2008, while Mustapha Riga was part of a Levante team relegated from La Liga last season. Matthew Taylor, Kevin Nolan and Kevin Davies have enough ability to ensure Bolton survival. But the rot has well and truly set in at the Reebok for a Wanderers team a shadow of it’s former self. 17 – Middlesbrough The Teesiders have enjoyed mid-table security under the management of Gareth Southgate, with twelfth and thirteenth finishes respectively in the last two years. But having failed to significantly improve on last season’s squad, Middlesbrough could be surprise relegation candidates this time around. From back to front, Boro lack inspiration and quality. Keepers Ross Turnbull and Brad Jones lack the presence to install confidence in their back four, the midfield bar Stuart Downing is bland and unimaginative. Jeremie Aliadiere has managed just 5 goals in 29 games for Middlesbrough while strike partner Mido spent the most of last season injured, overweight or out of form. Goals and entertainment are set to be at a premium at the Riverside as Boro battle for their Premiership lives in 08/09. 18 – West Bromwich Albion Despite the difficulties experienced by newly promoted teams in the Premiership, it’s not since 1998 that all three new teams have been relegated together after one season. Unfortunately the class of 08/09 are just about to find out how big the gap between the top and second tier of English football is. West Brom’s have a decent spine of goalkeeper Scott Carson, defender Paul Robinson, midfielder Jonathan Greening and forward Ishmael Miller. But while they looked impressive in the Championship, the Premiership is a completely different kettle of fish. As the Albion fans that chant ‘Boing Boing Baggies’ know, what goes up, must come down. Sadly their yo-yo act of recent years will continue this season. 19 - Stoke City Last season’s new boys Sunderland spent £40m on new players to finish just three points and three places above the drop zone, proving just how big the gap between the Championship and Premiership is. Having invested just £8.5m in their squad this summer, Stoke’s chances of survival are minimal. Forward Dave Kitson is a shrewd purchase from Reading and in ex-Manchester United winger Liam Lawrence, Stoke have a decent midfield supplier. But other than that, the squad has Championship side written all over it. The passion of the Potteries crowd coupled with Tony Pulis’ long ball tactics could pose problems for early visitors to the Britannia Stadium. Alas, Stoke will have peaked by the end of September and be long gone by May 2009. 20 - Hull City Derby County were relegated from the Premiership last season with a record low points total of 11. Bookmakers are now offering short odds on Hull taking the Rams’ unwanted record in 08/09. Hull’s squad consists of Premiership veterans and misfits sprinkled with a few talented youngsters. Doubtful that this mix will cut it in a league full of multi-million international superstars. Phil Brown failure to sign Manchester United’s striker Fraizer Campbell, who was on loan at the KC Stadium last season, doesn’t bode well for the new campaign. Neither does a 4-0 pre-season defeat at Crewe. Relegation is a certainty. Bet with Bet 365 World Soccer News Soccer betting tips Soccer Books & DVDs Tags Soccer News soccer football J-League K-League Betting

I’ve just about had an oeuf

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 09:34:00 +0000

At one time or another, we all make a mistake of gargantuan proportions. When the wife asked for a potential destination for a short trip, I foolishly answered ‘France’. I completely forgot that the place was almost exclusively full of the French. As soon as we arrived I appreciated the gravity of my error, as the locals made absolutely no effort to speak any English. It appeared that they hadn’t been informed of our arrival. The language barrier actually led me to be being deported. I popped into a café, but I didn’t fancy eating any strange French food such as ‘frites’ or ‘saucisses’, so I helped myself to a biscuit from behind the counter. The owner went ballistic and called the police, and I was on the next plane back to England. I still feel embarrassed about being kicked out of Europe thanks to a simple ginger nut. Liverpool fans share my pain, they should console themselves with the 7/4 for a win over Birmingham. The police were on the ball over there though, unlike their English counterparts. When a French person is reported missing, their filth launch an immediate search; but the Manchester police haven’t even begun their hunt to find poor Wayne. United are winless (and goalless) on their last six visits to Stamford Bridge, I’ll struggle to find a better bet than Chelsea at 6/4. The North East of England is the one place on Earth that’s actually worse than France. The locals are equally as undecipherable, and they take up twice the room. 15/8 is absolutely massive for a Newcastle win over West Ham. The North East does have its redeeming features; it remains a Redknapp-free area. Harry’s decision to stay in Portsmouth was warmly received by the Geordie Nation, as it decreased the probability of them ever bumping into Jamie. I’m particularly thankful for the 23/10 for a draw between Portsmouth and Blackburn. Newcastle have taken a lead in the North East mini-league, which is a little bit like leading a race at the Special Olympics. Sunderland will beat Boro at 13/10 in the battle for the silver medal, but they’re all winners really. There’s a real scrap going on at the bottom of the table, and Fulham are almost certainly relegated. The chairman will most likely blame Prince Philip, MI5 and possibly MFI. I’ve put together 9/10 for a Manchester City win over the doomed Cottagers. Bolton have all the momentum in the relegation battle, but they won’t receive any favours away at Tottenham. I expect the 10/11 for a Tottenham win to last about as long as a Geordie in a beauty contest. Graeme Murty should hang his head in shame after his dying swan act led to a three match ban for Alexander Hleb. Simulation is the unacceptable face of modern day football, alongside Steve Bruce. Wigan v Reading won’t be pleasing to the eye, a draw looks the correct call at 12/5. If I was Robbie Savage, and I’m not (I’m quite good at football); I’d ask for Cesc Fabregas’ shirt after Derby’s ‘match’ against Arsenal. Such an item of memorabilia could potentially raise a tidy sum for when he upgrades his caravan. The 4/5 for Arsenal to beat Derby by two goals or more is remaining remarkably steady. I genuinely feel that Aston Villa will be right behind Arsenal at the top of the table next season - certainly in early August. The Villans are on fire in their quest to make it into Europe; they’ll eat up and spit out the Toffeemen at 23/10. To say I was happy about last week’s winning accer is an understatement; I felt like a Chelsea player after they practically booked their flight to Moscow. When Liverpool, Manchester City, Tottenham and Arsenal oblige for this week’s 10/1 accer, I’ll be happier than Ashley Cole after an invite into the cockpit. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

There Ste Goes Again

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:08:32 +0000

As a society, we’re obsessed with appearance. I blame teen magazines for perpetuating the myth that skinniness equals beauty. If I had to choose between a thin girl and a lady with a fuller figure, I’d choose the one with the better personality. Obviously, if they’re equally pleasant, then fatty’s out of luck. Men are far less uptight about how they look. Petr Cech was happy to return to work when half of his face was hanging off; he wasn’t concerned that he looked like Steve Bruce’s better looking brother. Cech was back between the sticks within no time, as he managed to borrow the necessary protection from Ashley Cole. Not many people own chin guards, but Cashley is always wary of bouncing balls. I’ll be jumping up and down when Everton beat Chelsea at 14/5. Juande Ramos believes that his players should take pride in their appearance, and has banned cakes and sweets from the canteen. I agree with Juande on this one; I’ll only consider a muffin once a year. If Wigan get their head down against Tottenham, they can take a point at 5/2. Gareth Southgate is far more relaxed with his players’ diet. In Mido and Alves, he has the fattest pair up front since a heavily pregnant Jordan. Bolton are about as pleasing to the eye as Peter Andre’s often visited partner; a relatively attractive Boro will overpower them at 11/10. Thaksin Shinawatra is taking a real gamble in considering Phil Scolari as a future coach. Big Phil once punched an annoying player at the end of a match; there’s a real chance that he might raise a fist to Ashley Cole. Pompey haven’t won away at Manchester City since 1963, I’m going in deep on Sven’s men at 11/8 to gain revenge for being tucked up on the Benjani deal. Steven Gerrard has suffered panic attacks ever since a gangster threatened to break his legs; he now collapses without warning roughly every 30 minutes. The precipitating midfielder and his pals have lost on their last two trips to the Cottage; current circumstances dictate that we back Fulham at 3/1. Arsenal’s season can be compared to putting your hand up Lily Allen’s blouse: it’s been exciting, but the end result is a disappointment. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Gunners laid a marker for next season by pounding Reading at 4/11. Paul Jewell’s move to Derby is officially the greatest mistake since I fell for the ‘I’m on the pill’ line. After a six goal humiliation at home to Aston Villa, the Rams travel to West Ham to face a side who beat them 5-0 at ‘Pride’ Park. Derby have two hopes in this one, Bob Hope and no hope; and Bob Hope’s dead. The Hammers are the weekend banker at 2/5. Many people believe that Mark Hughes will be the next manager of Manchester United. I’m not sure if Hughes is ready to succeed Sir Alex just yet, he needs to work on his referee-haranguing. I’d consider offering the position to Fergie’s son; he would soon knock them into shape. United will pile in to Blackburn at 8/13. I was shocked to receive an email suggesting that I was out of line for calling Karen Brady unattractive. I guess the old adage is true: one man’s meat is another man’s poison, unless you’re Ashley Cole. Aston Villa are one win away from their second straight double over the Brady bunch, and they’re guaranteed a goal start if Ridgewell plays. I’ve seen worse bets than the 5/6 for a Villa win; I tipped them up last week. If Freddie Shepherd is to be believed, and why wouldn’t he, the women of Newcastle are not the best looking breed. No wonder Jimmy Nail, Paul Gascoigne and Peter Beardsley left the area. It could get real ugly when the Toon Army host Sunderland; I’ll side with Newcastle at 5/6. If, like me, your partner is less than pleasing aesthetically, feel free to use my adage to help them feel a little bit better about themselves. ‘Beauty fades, but a solid ironing technique will last forever’. I’m not sure how long the 13/1 will last about this week’s accer: Arsenal, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle and Manchester City are the quite stunning selections. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Red Bull – It Gives You Wins

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:54:52 +0000

I do enjoy a moral dilemma. An intellectual friend asked if I would kill a chicken to save a chicken’s life. I honestly replied that I’d happily slaughter a chicken if I missed breakfast. He went on to ask if I would ever use inside information to profit from gambling. I once again answered in all honesty that I have never been involved in such a practice; but then again, I don’t know Harry Redknapp. There is still uproar amongst the betting community whenever the controversial ‘next Portsmouth manager’ market is discussed. I must point out that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I will just say that the 11/4 for a Newcastle win over Portsmouth should be investigated further. David Bentley has admitted to being a former gambling addict. ‘Bents’, or to use his more familiar nickname, ‘the vastly overrated David Bentley’ has an addictive personality, and is currently obsessed with DIY. This did not come as a shock. Liverpool will pull off a win over Blackburn at 8/15. My wife is a stereotypical female; she doesn’t understand the offside rule. She thinks that a player should be penalised if he receives the ball in an offside position, even if the last touch comes off a defender - as long as the attacking side intended to play the fall forward to the player in the advanced position in the first phase of play. What a doughnut. The betting proposition between Derby and Aston Villa is also perfectly clear: the Villa win at 8/13. I was quite shocked to read that a male is due to give birth. I just hope that Frank drops it in time for Chelsea’s game against Wigan. Bookmakers have delivered 1/4 for a Chelsea win - I shall be babysitting. West Ham were once embroiled in a betting furore when Paul Kitson kicked the ball straight into touch from the kick-off. Harry Redknapp was the manager of West Ham at the time, but there is no evidence to suggest that he was involved in a spread betting scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I prefer to believe that Paul Kitson is just not a good passer of a ball, like the Bolton players. The Hammers will add a final nail to Bolton’s Premier League coffin at 13/5. When injury-prone C-list-celebrity romancer Jonathan Woodgate labelled Juande Ramos a ‘proper manager’, it would be safe to assume that he was having a sly dig at Gareth Southgate. Ramos may edge Southgate in experience, but how many pizza adverts has he starred in? I shall be topping up on the 9/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Tottenham. Alex McLeish is a frustrated thespian; he wishes his players luck before each match by saying “Break a leg”. Damien Johnson is the latest player to see red for a career-threatener; Everton will punish the weakened Brummies at 6/4. Emotions always run high when Arsenal meet Manchester United, but that does not excuse the food-fight that broke out after a particularly fiery encounter. Such actions are morally reprehensible when there are starving children in this world; I can’t even begin to imagine what Dawn French’s kids were thinking. I’ll make a small donation to the needy when Arsenal beat Manchester United at 4/1. Manchester City have been heavily linked with Ronaldinho, but I remain sceptical. It reminds me of the time when Birmingham City were linked with Maradona, but he turned the move down as his two-footed over-the-top tackle was lightweight at best. We should all get stuck in to the 6/5 for a Sunderland win over Manchester City. People have been emailing me to ask if I know the identity of the player who allegedly had a £50,000 gambling debt written off in exchange for getting himself sent off. I honestly have no idea who this player is, I just know that there is no evidence to suggest that Harry Redknapp was involved in a scam, or in fact that a scam actually took place. I am reasonably sure about the value in taking even money for a Reading win over Fulham. In a week where the morality of football has been questioned, the filth have now arrested senior figures at Birmingham City. At the time of writing, no charges have been filed, but it’s expected that David Sullivan will be charged with ‘outraging public decency’, presumably for allowing Karen Brady to enter the public arena. I’ll be outraged if Aston Villa, Sunderland, Newcastle and Chelsea fail to land an incorruptible 15/1 accer. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Carols

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 09:48:07 +0000

The adult film industry has many knockers, but I remain a fully-fledged supporter. My only possible critique would be that the storylines occasionally lack realism. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was with my job as a photocopier repair man. My wife is a fierce critic of the genre as she incorrectly believes that the art form demeans women. Personally, I think it’s a positive when a hobby becomes an occupation; I would love to get paid for sending nude photographs of myself to Cheryl Tweedy. I’ll have to finance my pastime by backing Portsmouth at 10/11 to beat West Brom in their FA Cup semi-final. My favourite sub-genre of the adult entertainment industry is the one when two ladies take a spiritual road to self-discovery. There are things I’d rather not see though, and watching Barnsley play Cardiff is the equivalent of watching Lisa Riley tinker with Jade Goody. Cardiff will probably win their semi at 11/8, but I’d rather watch something a little more uplifting. Robbie Savage has all the attributes needed to launch a career in exotic films. He’s blonde, he breathes heavily for 90 minutes and he never needs a second invitation to go down. I can’t see the Derby man getting any satisfaction from Everton; the Toffeemen are the weekend banker at 2/7. Roy Keane has always enjoyed a ruck, but he may be punching above his weight by labelling Sir Alex Ferguson ‘a hypocrite’. Admittedly, he never mentioned Fergie by name, but it couldn’t have been more obvious unless he used the term ‘purple-nose’. Fulham can momentarily quieten the fiery Irishman at 11/8. Manchester City have gone backwards since they signed Benjani. To be fair to Sven, he tried everything in his power to get out of the deal; he said he’d accept Benni McCarthy, Benayoun or Benny from Crossroads as a compromise, but it was all to no avail. Chelsea will take full advantage of Sven’s massive rick at 4/5. Mike Ashley has reportedly lost £129m gambling on financial markets; he’s probably regretting following me in on last week’s bets. I’m having £2 on Newcastle to beat Reading at 4/5. The world and his dog are singing the praises of Cristiano Ronaldo, but Middlesbrough fans are a little more hesitant - all three of them believe that he’s a diver. I nearly collapsed when I saw 15/2 next to a Boro win over Manchester United. Steve Bruce will do everything in his power to send Birmingham down when Wigan face his former side on Saturday. I have nothing but admiration for Bruce’s stance, you should always finish a job that you start. Wigan may have to settle for a point at 23/10. I was stunned when Tottenham’s defences were breached on numerous occasions by Newcastle last week. It was just like a scene from my favourite movie, ‘Snatch’. I have a feeling that Tottenham may already be on their summer break; Blackburn can take full advantage at 6/4. El Hadji Diouf would never make it in the world of erotic film - he’s a spitter. I had to swallow on several occasions when I saw 8/11 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton. They say that good things come in threes, and I’m a huge fan of the ‘Rod-Farther Trilogy’. Arsenal are a confident shout at 6/5 to win the second part of their triple-header against Liverpool, unless the referee is Dirk Kuyt’s neighbour. It’s now reached the stage where my wife has forced me to choose between her and my collection of adult art; so i’m on the lookout for a new dishwasher. Portsmouth, Arsenal, Chelsea and Newcastle form an 11/1 accer that will bring in the necessary funds. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

My Big Fat Weak Wedding

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 10:50:00 +0000

Marriage is like a chicken vindaloo, it’s something you have to try at least once, even though you know you’ll later regret it. I experienced my seven-year itch quite early, it was on the honeymoon. Fortunately, my wandering eye didn’t lead to an act of betrayal, although I put that down to the fact that the barmaid was almost certainly a button-flicker. If newspaper reports are to be believed, Paul Jewell has allegedly been getting his bread sliced at a different bakery. We can all come into a little dough when Fulham beat Derby at 7/5. Cristiano Ronaldo has also ‘entertained’ a string of women over the past year, which probably explains why Sir Alex is demanding extra protection. I’ve been told that Ronaldo also has a large gay following; I can only assume that Cheryl has been overdoing it with the chip pan. Man U have won their last 13 matches against Aston Villa, I’ll happily tuck into the 1/3 for another United win. Javier Mascherano will miss the Merseyside derby after a ridiculous sending-off against Manchester United last week. If we start dismissing players just for being annoying, Chelsea would have to play every game with eight men. Everton haven’t won at Anfield this millennium, I’ll be seeing red if Liverpool slip up at 4/5. A lack of respect for the referee is currently a hot topic, but it’s going to be OK - Ian Wright has a four-step plan. I’ve solved the conundrum that is Chelsea v Middlesbrough; get on the baiters at 1/3. Birmingham City are at the heart of a corruption investigation, presumably for buying Liam Ridgewell. Manchester City have come out on top on their last four meetings with the troubled Blues; it’ll be a scandal if Sven’s men don’t take all three points at 9/4. Gael Clichy is a lot like Ashley Cole. After tangling with Mido, the Arsenal full-back was left with an unwanted gash. I’ll be half-cut when Arsenal bounce back against Bolton at 4/5. After using flimsy excuses for arriving late at training, Liam Miller has been placed on the transfer list. Roy Keane quipped, “Don’t get in a car with Liam, because he has more car crashes than anyone I know.” Paul Jewell won’t find jokes about car accidents very amusing; his Mercedes was involved in a rear-ender. West Ham can dent Sunderland’s survival bid by taking a point at 23/10. Emile Heskey has scored one goal in the last seven months, which is something of a purple patch for the clumsy striker. The big man is like Ashley Cole, he lacks confidence in the box. I’m more than comfortable with the 4/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan. Shane Long may be on his way out of Reading. The surly striker is unhappy with being fined a week’s wages for throwing his shirt at his manager; it would have been a lot worse if Ashley Cole hadn’t quickly picked it up. I refuse to turn my back on the 6/4 for a Reading win over Blackburn. If Tottenham do sell Berbatov in the summer, they should move to sign Ashley Cole and Shane Long. I believe Ashley would definitely be interested if Ramos promised to play three up front - especially if they’re Long, Bent and Keane. I’ll be riding the Tottenham train at 7/10 against Newcastle. Like Ashley Cole and Paul Jewell, I have often been tempted by the fruit of another, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s like the old saying: why go out for a burger, when you’ve got a fat cow at home. Arsenal, Fulham, Tottenham and Liverpool form a sure-fire 11/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to reconsider my position. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:46:19 +0000

Even though I was brought up as a Catholic, I have never followed a spiritual path. I blame an over-zealous Priest for my descent into heresy; he was constantly on my back when I was young. If my memory serves me correctly, Easter is a time to reflect upon the resurrection of Christ. It’s believed that after three days, He rose again. I don’t want to diminish the significance, but I’d fancy Pele to beat that. The Geordies believe that King Keegan is the one true Messiah; it would be sacrilegious not to back Newcastle at 10/11 against Fulham. Jesus may have forgiven Robbie Keane for his petulant reaction to being substituted last weekend, but Juande Ramos was apoplectic. I have a lot of sympathy for Keane in this case; it’s an emotional time when you’re being pulled off. I’ll happily play with the even money for a Tottenham win over Portsmouth. John Carew may not be scoring regularly on the pitch, but if press reports are to be believed, he’s managed to bag ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ star Alesha Dixon. I’ve seen pictures of Alesha, and one bag may not be enough. I’ll need a large container to carry home my winnings after Aston Villa see off Sunderland at 3/5. It’s rare that I shower praise upon Steve Bruce, but his decision to drop Titus Bramble was outstanding. Bruce knows what it takes to become a top class defender; he played alongside Gary Pallister. 4/5 had been placed alongside a Blackburn win over Wigan. I’m on. Thaksin Shinawatra is not a happy man. The Thai ‘businessman’ has reportedly claimed that City are losing too many games in his absence, and he may have to tighten the bolt on his return. If I was Sven, I’d be worried. I’d be ringing up Ulrika, but I’d certainly be worried. Bolton can ensure the bolt is tightened with a win at 6/4. Middlesbrough will be without Mido after he saw red for kicking Gael Clichy in the head. The Egyptian should be ashamed of his actions, as should the players who gave him the lift up. Let’s all rise to celebrate the 1/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Derby. I’m quite ashamed to admit that I have something in common with the impious Martin Taylor. We’re both often referred to as ‘tiny’, although for Martin, it’s an ironic reference. The 23/20 for a Reading win over Birmingham is healthily proportioned. It’s great to see the West Ham production line coming up trumps once again. Freddie Sears looks a great prospect, but I’m not overly impressed with the ‘Alan Shearer’ goal celebration; it takes too long to kick Neil Lennon, creosote a fence and unsettle the Newcastle management. Everton are going for a treble over the Hammers this season, I have to play at 3/4. Steven Gerrard was upset when Rio Ferdinand claimed that Liverpool were not among the best teams in Europe. To be fair to Rio, he was misquoted - he meant to say that Liverpool were not among the best teams in England. Liverpool have lost their last four league meetings with their bitter rivals, and have failed to score in their last six. United can extend that run at 11/10. Chelsea meet Arsenal in the 2nd part of Grand Slam Super Mega Awesome Sunday, in a dress rehearsal for the Champions League semi-final. I’ve studied Chelsea’s win ratio in the big games under Avram Grant, it didn’t take long. Arsenal are turning into draw specialists, I’ll happily take the 9/4 for a tie. Jesus would not be happy with the vitriolic abuse aimed at Heather Mills after her divorce from Paul McCartney. I look at it as a value gamble on Heather’s part, she risked negative press and the occasional slap for a healthy financial settlement. I was quite surprised that she received as much as £24m; I think she must have shown the judge a little leg. Blackburn, Middlesbrough, Everton and a Chelsea draw form a 13/1 accer that will hopefully lead to an equally impressive return. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

There’s life in the old dog…unfortunately

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 10:56:15 +0000

Like Wayne Rooney, I’m a lover of the old. I’m never happier than when some wrinkled old seaside-bungalow hogger is regaling me with tales of a bygone age. If my old man is to be believed, and he’s not, football was completely different in the old days. Goals were celebrated by a handshake, an assault on a goalkeeper was practically encouraged and heading the ball led to a short stay in hospital, which was basically a shed with a sponge. I’m unsure of the best way of handling the elderly when they reach such a constant state of dull reflection, but only a fool should rule out euthanasia. It looks like Avram Grant will soon be put out of his misery; Sunderland can lend a helping hand at 7/1. Mohammed Al Fayed is another pensioner who appears to have lost the plot. He’s gone from Coleman to Sanchez to Hodgson; he’s only one step away from a Souness. Everton will make Fulham pay the ultimate price at 6/5. Time has also caught up with the once sharp Harry Redknapp. The technophobic manager’s memory is in such a poor state, he’s now being cordial to the BBC. The old people alliance will not be amused by this shock development. I’ll be splitting my sides when the Villa leave Fratton Park with the win at 21/10. If Derby are dead and Fulham are dying, then Newcastle have just found a rather large mole. I can certainly empathise; I wake up next to a large lump every morning. A bet on Birmingham to beat Newcastle at 13/10 will lead to a substantial growth in the betting bank. Now that Rafa Benitez has finally came to his senses, Liverpool’s results have improved dramatically. I can’t think of anyone who was a fan of the rotation policy, other than Alex Gerrard. Liverpool and Torres are on fire, Reading will feel the heat at 2/7. I was not a happy bunny when Arsenal let me down for an accer last week. I haven’t felt such intense disappointment since Maggie Thatcher was released from hospital. The Gunners will almost certainly make amends at 2/7 against a goal-shy Middlesbrough. I hold no grudge against Arsenal for their slip-up at Wigan: I know what it’s like to be tucked up by an ugly pitch. Bolton will also struggle at the JJB, I’m siding with the draw at 23/10. If David Bentley was made of chocolate, he’d probably eat himself. That’s something I would never do - I refuse to queue-jump. People will be lining up to back Blackburn at 2/1 against a struggling West Ham. I know pensioners enjoy a little whinge, but Sir Alex Ferguson took the art of complaining to a new level in last week’s extraordinary post-match interview. For me, Fergie has been on a slippery slope since that Pikey punched him in the nuts; shame on you Mr Savage. Fergie will get revenge when United ease past Derby at 1/5. With old people, you have to be thankful for small mercies. I remember walking in on my old man as he watched Baywatch, and I was shocked to see his hand moving up and down on his lap. Fortunately, it was just Parkinson’s. Tottenham are one win away from their 4th straight double over Manchester City; I’ll be shaking if they fail to oblige at 9/5. I speak in jest at the plight of the elderly, but it’s criminal that they have to live on such a pittance. I was left dumbstruck when I cashed in the old man’s pension - I could only afford six cases of lager. Arsenal, Everton, Tottenham and Birmingham form a pleasing 16/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to pay him back in full. Maybe. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:52:18 +0000

Like Martin Luther King and Gandhi, I’m a fan of passive resistance; but there are some things in life that we have to fight for. For me, it’s a baby’s smile, the love of a mute woman or more affordable prices at the petrol pump. It’s to my deep and lasting regret that a serious injury prevented me from joining the military. I’ve been plagued with recurring back pain since childhood - it’s never easy growing up in Jersey. Fortunately for the army, Prince Harry was able to stand up and fight for possible Grandmother and Country. His willingness to get his hands dirty shows real character; he’s stuck two fingers up to those who question Germany’s poor war record. Fulham’s recent record is at an equally unhealthy level; they’ve only one won of their last eighteen battles. Blackburn will take no prisoners at 11/20. Now that the Rambo-like tax-dodger has returned from single-handedly destroying the Taliban, he’ll be looking for an alternative career. Steve Coppell is apparently showing an interest; he appreciates a useless ginger hitman. I’ll fire a few rounds off if Reading sneak a win over Manchester City at 6/4. Radio chat shows are really scraping the barrel for material. One recent topic up for debate was ‘Why do West Ham fans dislike Frank Lampard’. I wasted 25 minutes trying to get through, and I only wanted to say four words. I’ll be equally succinct in describing the 4/5 for a Tottenham win over West Ham: nap of the week. Michael Owen may have been written off more than Angus Loughran’s debts, but he remains a top-drawer operator. Newcastle are available at 10/1 against a Liverpool side with one eye on the Champions League; I’m ashamed to say that I’m on the verge of being priced in. Cesc Fabregas returned to his incomparable best in midweek against Milan. I can’t foresee any scenario where Wigan will be able to stop him, shy of hitting him over the head with a guitar or dropping a grand piano on him; but even then he’d remain instrumental. Arsenal just have to turn up to win at 8/13. Tim Cahill has been castigated for using a goal celebration to show solidarity with his imprisoned brother. I find the criticism over-the-top, it’s not like he bent over and touched his toes - even I would be offended by the ‘Barton shuffle’. I’ll hit the dancefloor when Everton beat Sunderland at 5/4. The FA Cup reaches the quarter-final stage this weekend, allowing either West Brom or Bristol Rovers the opportunity to make an unexpected trip to Wembley. Personally, I hope it’s the Albion fans who get to see the bright lights of London, as they consider a trip to Birmingham something of a cultural treat. The Baggies are a fair bet at 6/5. I hope Sir Alex Ferguson has calmed down after Arsenal’s last-gasp leveller against Aston Villa last week. “It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time,” whined the Scot, before launching a furious tirade at the blackness of a nearby kettle. United fans will be steaming when they knock Pompey out of the Cup at 4/11. The FA should hang their collective hands in shame after overturning Frank Lampard’s red card against West Ham. I can only assume that they were frightened of Lampard demanding a personal hearing, which would have led to astronomical catering overheads. I’ll happily tuck in to the 4/11 for a Chelsea win over Barnsley. It appears that Lampard was let off on a technicality - he plays for one of the big four. Jeremie Aliadiere represents Middlesbrough, so he was given a four match ban for replicating the actions of a Liverpool player - he regularly underperformed in the league. Boro will still have enough to ease past Cardiff at 7/10. Last week’s accer never really got off the ground, but even Shakespeare made the occasional spelling mistake. I’m far more confident with this week’s selections. Reading, Everton, Tottenham and Arsenal form a 14/1 accer of such noble virtue, even Prince Harry would happily go to war to protect it - if there was a camera crew in the vicinity. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

As One Door Shuts…A Nutter One Opens

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 12:06:57 +0000

For some inexplicable reason, the subject of mental illness remains taboo. I am convinced that if we debate the topic in a mature and sensitive fashion, we could raise awareness of the constant unnecessary stigmatisation of these unfortunate lunatics. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I used to regularly suffer from panic attacks. All it would take was an unexpected knock on the door, and I’d find myself screaming like Andy Cole’s wife. Luckily, the attack would subside once I realised my other half hadn’t arrived home from work early. As a result of my experience, I feel I’m in a perfect position to reflect upon Paul Gascoigne’s descent into a fruitcake laden abyss. Looking back, all the clues were there: Gazza was fearful of an alien invasion, he was holding conversations with plastic parrots and he fancied Newcastle to beat Blackburn. The Rovers are the only sane betting choice at 19/10. I can’t help but feel the media attempted to sensationalise Gazza’s problems. It’s not unusual for a man to cry during sex; as Joey Barton can confirm. I’ll be incredibly sore if Middlesbrough fail to beat Reading at 9/10. It’s been reported that Ashley Cole burst into tears when Cheryl surprisingly decided to reconcile with the incredibly wealthy reserve full-back. I’m guessing it’s not the first time that a handkerchief has come in handy. I’m rubbing my hands together at the 5/2 for a draw between West Ham and Chelsea. Robbie Keane also bawled after Tottenham lifted the Carling Cup. I find the idea of a male showing such emotion quite distasteful; although if Birmingham beat Tottenham at 3/1, I’ll cry like Liz Hurley’s maid on pay day. To cap off a disgraceful week for the male race, William Gallas sobbed after kicking lumps out at an advertising hoarding. How surprising: a Frenchman and a pointless strike. Arsenal will demolish Aston Villa at 4/7. On a brighter note for Arsenal, Eduardo may return to action in as little as nine months. I have to confess to being surprised by the quick turnaround: I’ve been to Selly Oak hospital, and it normally takes seven months just to make it out of the waiting room. You should seek medical attention if you pass on the 4/5 for a Manchester City win over Wigan. It’s not just the clinically insane and the cast of ‘The Crying Game’ who deserve our sympathy; our thoughts should also go out to players with learning disabilities. It’s rumoured that Robbie Savage was the inspiration for ‘Are you smarter than a 10 year old?’ The genuinely bright will be taking 13/10 for a Sunderland win over Derby. I thought Wes Brown was a level (if somewhat orange) headed footballer, but he’s clearly delusional if he believes he’s worth £80,000 a week. That kind of money could fund research into psychiatric disorders for a number of years, or settle Wayne Rooney’s tab at KFC. The 13/5 for Fulham avoiding defeat against Manchester United is finger-licking good. There were many people who believed that El Hadji Diouf may have had a serious mental illness, as he would often dribble more than Cristiano Ronaldo. I’ve been practically salivating over the 5/6 for a Liverpool win over Bolton. History is like an Alzheimer's sufferer, it will often repeat itself. The last time Everton finished 4th in the Premiership, their neighbours lifted the Champions League trophy for the 5th time. I fancy Everton to beat Pompey at 10/11, but I hope it doesn’t lead to Liverpool fans holding up six fingers; that should really be left to the citizens of Coventry. Alzheimer's is the latest in a long list of illnesses to plague my father. I look back in fondness to the time when he was just a paranoid schizophrenic - it was nice that he had someone to talk to, even if he was out to get him. People use offensive labels such as ‘nutter’ to describe the mentally ill, but i refuse to pigeon-hole my old man; as he’s also an agoraphobic. I’ll definitely be going out when Arsenal, Middlesbrough, Sunderland and Liverpool land a healthy 10/1 accer. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

A Dodgy Ruby and a Stuffed Nan

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:34:41 +0000

In a week where Mohammed Al Fayed has pointed an accusing finger at Tony Blair, the Nazis, Dracula and a crocodile, it seems odd that Richard Scudamore has emerged as football’s leading figure of fun. When a friend told me that Scudamore planned to play a round of matches overseas, I thought it was the worst idea I’d ever heard - and I used to work in a nursery. I say ‘worked’, but it went down as ‘loitering’ on the charge sheet. The Chief Executive of the Premier League appears to have been influenced by Gordon Gekko’s ‘Greed is good’ monologue from ‘Wall Street’. I’d advise Scudamore against following in the footsteps of Michael Douglas, as he may have to fight off Welsh gold-diggers. Investing in the 8/11 for a Pompey win over Sunderland is a socially acceptable way of increasing your bankroll. The idea of 10 matches being televised back-to-back genuinely worries me, as I ritualistically indulge in a couple of beers during a game. There’s no way I’ll be able to drink 20 pints, unless i have to spend a night with Kelly Osbourne. I will happily indulge in a celebratory couple when Middlesbrough stun Liverpool at 17/2. Sir Alex Ferguson condemned his players for showboating in last week’s FA Cup victory over Arsenal, but the unsavoury incident could have been a whole lot worse. Apparently, Wayne Rooney once kept it up with Nani for over two minutes. I’ll definitely be paying for it if Manchester United fail to defeat the depleted Toon Army at 8/15. When it comes to cool celebrity support, Everton are way behind the likes of Manchester City. The Toffeemen tried to persuade Sylvester Stallone to give soccer a try, but he couldn’t pull it off, which is quite ironic. I’ll happily play with the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Everton. Blackburn and Bolton have contested the mushy pea derby on 13 occasions in the Premier League, and the team playing at home has never emerged victorious. I’m going to lay Blackburn at 10/11 like it was a legless woman in a nightclub. That Heather Mills certainly knows how to celebrate. I find the political arena almost exclusively dull, but the revelation that the Home Secretary is an avid Aston Villa supporter genuinely attracted my interest. I have nothing but admiration for the way that Jacqui Smith can juggle her secretarial work with her homemaker duties. I hope she finds the time to back the Villa against Reading at a delightful 7/5. Playing a home match against Derby is like going on a date with Paris Hilton, you’re confident that they’ll roll over without much of a fight. Wigan are the fortunate beneficiaries of three easy points at 8/13. There is a direct correlation between a club’s support and the coolness of the team’s nickname. Aston Villa are the evil Villans, Tottenham are the boiling Spuds and Manchester United are the Red Devils. Who in their right mind would choose to be a Cottager? Ashley Cole knows that West Ham are a great bet at 9/5 to beat Fulham. The bigwigs at Chelsea are still understandably upset after a package containing white powder was delivered to their training ground. They’ve now ordered Frank Lampard to use sugar sachets like the rest of the squad. The last time Chelsea met Tottenham in a cup match, an irate Spud attacked Frank, which is the actual definition of irony. Chelsea came out on top on that occasion and I can only see a repeat at 11/10 in the Carling Cup final. The more i consider the potential benefits of the globalisation of the Premier League, the more appealing the idea becomes. The Chinese would be able to relegate the ping-pong ball to a late night entertainment spot, Australians could embrace a sport that doesn’t involve shearing, and the Yanks would learn that real footballers refuse to wrap up like a suicide bomber in winter. I’ll be going off on one if Arsenal fail to beat Birmingham at 8/15. There is currently an incredible amount of opposition to Scudamore’s thought-provoking proposal, but nothing is insurmountable; with the obvious exception of Ruby Wax. Wigan, Manchester United, Chelsea and Aston Villa form an 11/1 accer that will hopefully remove that ghastly image from my recently tortured mind’s eye. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Strawberry Fields For Heather

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 11:15:26 +0000

I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Conformity demands that I waste good money on a pointless gift and a meaningless card, even though the wife has spent the last 364 days of the year criticising me for being lazy. I’d happily dump her; but it’s a lot of effort to find someone new. Paul McCartney has taken the brave step of officially ending his ill-fated relationship. For me, he’s definitely made the correct decision, even if it does cost him an arm and a leg. While Paul and I understand that love is a complete fallacy, there are still a minority who believe in the romance of the FA Cup. The reality is that the minnows just make up the numbers until the trophy is lifted by one of the big 4, or Liverpool. Rafa Benitez has pointed the finger at the Yanks for their relegation from the elite. You can blame the Americans for many things: Middle East instability, nuclear war, terrorism, global warming, 9/11 and fat children, but they didn’t rest Torres against Birmingham. I hope Rafa takes the FA Cup seriously, as I’m on the Reds at 1/5 against Barnsley. The liveliest atmosphere of the 5th Round will probably be at Coventry, where West Brom will be arriving with 8,000 screaming Yam Yams. I’ll definitely be going out of my way to avoid Coventry this weekend; although the words ‘this’ and ‘weekend’ are pretty much superfluous. The Baggies look a fair shout at 7/5 to leave victorious. David James continues to surprise me. There were times when I thought he would prove a major liability; those times were 1990 – 1996 and 1998 – 2007. With Calamity in this kind of form, you have to believe that Preston have a tougher job on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist. I’ll be made up when Pompey advance at 10/11. It will be somewhat ironic if Middlesbrough put an end to Bryan Robson’s managerial career. It was at the Boro where Robbo first made his name; I think it was ‘Jim Beam’. Robson may well be interested in the odds for a Middlesbrough win over Sheffield United; 7/5 is a little short. Cardiff have come a long way since the Sam Hammam era, when new signings were contractually obligated to enjoy a physical liaison with a sheep. That controversial clause was widely criticised at the time, but it did lead to Franck Ribery asking for a trial. Things are a lot more stable at Ninian Park today; they have Peter Ridsdale in the boardroom. The chairman can buy another goldfish when the Bluebirds slaughter the Wolves at 11/8. Southampton will still be without a manger for their trip to Bristol Rovers. The Saints did try to rehire Glenn Hoddle, but he wanted to discuss his options with a likeminded friend, so he’s waiting for Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings to end. I’ll be on Bristol Rovers at 2/1 to see off the Saints; although I’ll stay away from the handicap. After finding the net in his last nine matches, Emmanuel Adebayor will be hoping to reach a perfect 10 against Manchester United. I’m not normally one to boast, but I once dated a German girl who was very close to being a ‘10’. She was extremely arrogant though: she knew she was a ‘9’, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love. I’m screaming about the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester United and Arsenal. Like Helga, Avram Grant always appears deeply unhappy. As an Israeli, Grant has seen some distressing sights through the years, although nothing could prepare him for the picture of the hairdresser who gave Ashley Cole a little trim. I’ll throw up if Chelsea fail to beat Huddersfield at 1/10. For Cheryl Cole and Heather Mills, Valentines Day will be a depressing affair. My wife will be genuinely excited though, as she loves to eat a mountain of chocolate on this special occasion - it’s a weekday. Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Portsmouth form a 12/1 accer that will allow me to purchase an extra large bar of Toblerone. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Wayne drops keep falling on my head

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 11:07:05 +0000

I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I’m half-Irish and I’m married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true. It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follicly challenged, the authorities took her children away. It’s not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he’s shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca. Personally I think it’s a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I’ll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ’s Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading. Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he’ll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10. Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it’s believed that the King’s son was a real nause. I’ll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth. Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams. Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It’s just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck. Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn’t for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11. Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven’t seen each other since filming Cinderella. I’ll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20. The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O’Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan’s Toon Army at 10/11. A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal’s match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as ‘little Mozart’, due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I’m a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn. After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey’s loss is Manchester City’s loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3. Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline. Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer; it’s also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

The hurly bird catches the worm

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:08:23 +0000

Call me old-fashioned, but i believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife, unless the opportunity arose. I have serious doubts over my wife’s respect for monogamy. The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife’s M.O. I can’t condemn Cole too strongly, as he’s not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich. A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant. It’s been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn’t regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now. Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they’re on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5. Adebayor is a quality player, but you can’t solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven’t all moved to Scotland. I can’t get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City. Liverpool need a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I’ve suggested, ‘Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008’. I’ll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I’ve been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw. With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle’s manicurist, a 4th place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn v Everton to be tighter than Mido’s belt as the war for four intensifies. I’m sitting on the fence at 9/4. Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I’ve seen the light; I’ve backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton. Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd’s lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I’ll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money. Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he’s going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5. If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since i arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching Beadle’s About. I’ll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7. It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It’s definitely wrong to kick someone when they’re down, unless you’re Alan Shearer. Newcastle isn’t big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough. Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn’t like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa form an accer that stands out at a particularly pert 11/1. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

Driving Miss Dozy

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:53:20 +0000

Statistics are normally my trusted ally, but even close friends can occasionally fall out. Research claims to prove that men are over 50% more likely to be involved in a road accident than women, but that’s probably because they’ve all been run over by dippy bints. Only last weekend, the wife’s vertiginous nature led to a particularly bad smash. Betty was seriously shaken up, but luckily, a Scientologist was quickly on the scene. The incident would never have occurred if we lived in Saudi Arabia, as women are forbidden from driving by law. They must really respect their women to go to such lengths to keep them safe. The Saudi ladies have many other social advantages. When Manchester United played their controversial testimonial in Riyadh, the women were all banned from the stadium; presumably to protect them from the shock of viewing Rooney and Tevez. I can’t take my eyes off the 7/1 for a Tottenham win over a jetlagged United side. While the Saudi women lead a life of luxury, the men are treated incredibly shabbily. Islamic law allows the males to marry up to four wives: so you can understand why a minority go apocalyptic. I’d consider destroying the West if I had to watch Eastenders four times a week. It’s not all doom and gloom for the men, as multiple weddings equate to multiple stag nights. It’s a little bit different over there though: it takes the stripper 25 minutes to whip out her elbows. There won’t be a Stag party when Mansfield face Middlesbrough, Southgate’s men will knock them out at a fundamentally sound 4/9. Amy Winehouse can only look on in jealousy at the freedoms offered to the women of the Middle East. Amy can’t even water her plants without being harassed by the man, although she has been overdoing it with the hosepipe lately. I’ll be having the craic with the 5/6 for a Derby win over Preston. The footballing world has changed dramatically since Kevin Keegan last flexed his managerial muscle. The game is now awash with American cowboys, and in a sign of solidarity with our friendly-firing brothers, Joey Barton now walks like John Wayne. I won’t be backing Arsenal at 2/5 against Newcastle. The hell I won’t. Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville is what the FA Cup is all about: it’s a bunch of nobodies getting spanked by a decent team. Bookies are as short as 1/100 about a Liverpool win, I’ll play on the Reds -2.5 goals at a more punter friendly 1/2. Wigan looked to have completed a canny piece of business with the signing of Wilson Palacios. The Honduran is nicknamed ‘Harry Potter’, a moniker earned when his brother disappeared. 8/15 for a Chelsea win over Wigan will be vanishing soon. Mark Hughes is definitely a kind-hearted soul. He went face to face with Gareth Southgate last week, and he resisted the urge to laugh. I’ll be smiling like a trout enthusiast around Leslie Ash when Aston Villa see off Blackburn at even money in the only Premier League fixture of the weekend. Frankly, I was quite disturbed by the news that Leslie Ash pocketed £5m after contracting a bug while in hospital. It’s not like Lee Chapman needs the money, he already owns a mobile exercise unit. The controversial payout has led me to consider moving to the utopia that is Saudi Arabia. Naturally, this would lead to a conversion to Islam, which will conflict with my liberal beliefs. The wife would have to wear a veil though, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Aston Villa, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Southampton and Watford form a 10/1 weekend accer that will pay for the necessary amount of tarpaulin. Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com